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Band 8

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message ?

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It is widely believed in some cultures that
children
Use synonyms
 are able to achieve everything they want if they work hard. I truly believe that saying
this
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 to
children
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 has only beneficial effects since it motivates individuals to try harder.
Nevertheless
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, I will
also
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 discuss the disadvantages,
such
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 as
one
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's depression which can occur after a failure, even despite the fact that a certain person did his best. Giving
children
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this
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 message can actually foster their development and dedication to their subjects or activities. When a kid understands the significance and importance of his hard work and all of its benefits, he will tend to try harder.
Moreover
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, it is actually true that it mostly depends on our discipline;
however
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, dedication is not the only factor in
one
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's wealth.
For example
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, in Kazakhstan, many schoolboys are told that their success fully depends on whether they are hard workers or not and it results in an increasing number of successful
children
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 who do not procrastinate.
On the other hand
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, if a certain person spends a lot of time studying and learning and still does not get the desired result, it can instil a sense of anxiety and stress in him. Nowadays, parents often connect
one
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's success to his discipline and it forms a child's worldview in an improper way.
For instance
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, there are many applicants who were studying for 5 years straight and even more but they were not accepted in their dream university.
Therefore
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,
such
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 a situation can lessen
one
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's self-esteem and lead to a huge loss of confidence. In conclusion,
although
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 telling a child that trying hard is essential to achieve your dreams, I think that parents should not interpret everything
this
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 way since it can result in bad consequences and even diseases,
such
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 as depression. I am a firm believer that
this
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 technique needs a balanced approach and only
then
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,
this
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 message will be worth trying.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more fluidly with linking phrases and clear transitions to enhance readability.
Task Achievement
While your examples are relevant, try to add more diverse examples to further strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to avoid confusion and maintain clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and well-structured, effectively framing your argument.
Task Achievement
You have articulated your arguments with a clear stance and supported them with examples.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages, providing a balanced discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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