IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

A REPORT INDICATED THAT MANY CHILDREN BETWEEN 7 AND 11 SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WATCHING TELEVISION AND / OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES. HOW DOES THE PROBLEM AFFECT THE CHILDREN? WHAT MEASURES CAN BE TAKEN TO CONTROL IT?

Some scientists would argue that several
children
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 between the ages of 7 and 11 spend their free
time
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 playing
video
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games
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.
This
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 problem could affect
children
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's health mentally or physically, and the most viable solution to
this
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 issue is to launch a publicity
campaign
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 warning families and youngsters about the consequences of playing
video
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games
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 for many hours daily.
Children
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 who spend lots of
time
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 using technological devices
such
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 as PlayStation and Xbox could experience poor health. Young
people
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 could feel depressed if they play
video
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games
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 frequently, and do not do outdoor activities like football or swimming, because
children
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 will repeat the same routine daily.
Additionally
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, the addictive usage of electronic devices in general could contribute to obesity and heart problems because
people
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 often eat unhealthy food
while
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 playing. To illustrate, a survey conducted at a university in Atlanta, asking a group of overweight students, revealed that 55% of obesity cases are from limited movement and an unhealthy diet, which comes from playing
video
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games
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 a lot. To tackle
this
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 problem, governments should implement a public
campaign
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 in schools and the media, educating
people
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 about the dangers of
video
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games
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 to teenagers. Schools can interview
children
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 who are overweight and ask them how much
time
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 they spend playing online
games
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 to convince
people
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 to reduce it.
Moreover
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, when a child gains lots of support in these activities,
this
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 will benefit them in the future to become healthier and smarter than others.
Hence
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, volunteers in the
campaign
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 can assist the child's family to help replace leisure
time
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 with healthier activities like chess and sports, which
increases
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increase
show examples
 their fitness and intelligence levels in the long term.
To conclude
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, playing
video
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games
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 frequently could cause
children
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's health problems;
however
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, it could be addressed through a
campaign
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 that could shed some light on the dangers that might occur and help young
people
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 replace it with healthier habits

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task response
Task response: The essay covers both parts of the prompt but ideas are not very clear or fully built. Start with a clear view in the intro and add two or three strong points with more detail for each.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The paragraphs are used but the links between ideas are not strong. Use more connecting words to show order and the relation of ideas.
task response
Task response: Use more precise examples and avoid weak facts. If you use a stat, say where it comes from or use a general idea that is easier to believe.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Each paragraph should have one main idea and a clear topic sentence to guide the reader.
structure
Clear layout with intro, body, and conclusion.
lexical resource
Simple words make the text easy to follow.
task response
Good plan and clear closing.
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