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Band 7

These days, the number of children who are overweight has increased. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

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Nowadays, the number of teenagers who are overweight has increased.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of the lack of
exercise
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 and eating unhealthy
food
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. There are a number of solutions which should be implemented to deal with
children
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 who have obesity.
Firstly
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, the reason for being overweight for
children
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 these days comes from the lack of
exercise
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 during
their
Change the word
the
show examples
day
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.
In other words
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, they don't do anything but stay at home and play video games, which contributes to the growing number of obese
children
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.
For example
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, many
children
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 these days spend at least 5 to 8 hours sitting and playing video games without any movement.
As a result
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, they do not do any
exercise
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 in their
day
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.
Secondly
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,
children
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 often eat unhealthy
food
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,
such
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 as fast
food
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 and desserts, since there are many restaurants.
Thus
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,
this
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 encourages them to eat outside more, which leads to an increase in their weight. There are two effective solutions to the problem of being overweight. One way to tackle
this
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 is to ensure that all
children
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 do regular
exercise
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 and avoid sitting for long periods playing video games. Parents should set specific limits on hours for playing and encourage them to do other chores at home. By doing
this
Linking Words
,
children
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 will have time to play and do some sports during their
day
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. Another method of dealing with teenagers who are overweight is to allow them one or two days to eat fast
food
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, as decided by their parents.
This
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 will encourage them to have their meals at home,
such
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 as vegetables, fruits, and other homemade
food
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.
This
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 solution will encourage them to avoid eating unhealthy
food
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 every
day
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.
To sum up
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, making specific time for
exercise
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 and
also
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 eating fast
food
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 only once or twice a week
are
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is
show examples
 effective in dealing with
this
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 issue. If parents implemented these solutions,
children
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 would avoid being overweight.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a strong response to the task, addressing both the causes and solutions for childhood obesity. However, consider further elaborating on the causes by providing additional details or perspectives to enrich the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
To further enhance coherence, consider varying your sentence structures and using a mix of linking words to create a smoother and more fluent reading experience.
introduction and conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction that sets the stage for the discussion, and a concise conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points.
support and development
Your main ideas are clearly supported with specific examples, such as the use of screen time as a contributing factor to obesity, which makes your arguments more convincing.
logical structure
The logical structure of your essay is strong, with a well-organized flow of ideas that makes it easy to follow your argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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