IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A nation becomes more exciting and develops more abruptly when its citizen includes a mixture of races. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
First,
Linking Words
one of the most obvious advantages of having a mixed nationality population is the higher number of labourers in a labour market.
This
Linking Words
 can definitely cause numerous benefits in a working market. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, a survey recently conducted by The New York Times revealed that two-thirds of U.S. organizations willingly hire labourers from various nations for their better image, those international businesses
in particular
Linking Words
.
In addition
Linking Words
, A variety of races can
also
Linking Words
 lead the professional workers to a cheaper base of salary.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 allows the economy of a whole nation to be potentially grown by a number of investors from other cities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having a various type of citizens can,
however
Linking Words
, negatively affect the whole economy because domestic workers will be replaced by cheaper workers in spite of a specialized skill and a proper academic degree.
For instance
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a recent study from the Faculty of Economics, at Harvard University, 8 out of 10 American officers tend to be replaced by Mexican immigrants if the current policy of the government allows the immigrants to be able to work domestically legally.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the severity of nations can cause crimes.
This
Linking Words
 forces its citizens to have more risk of being killed by those from other countries.
To conclude
Linking Words
, a mixture of races can not only bring the nation a higher number of labourers but
also
Linking Words
 a cheaper salary, meanwhile, it can bring the local population replacement
as well as
Linking Words
 a real-life danger.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In the introduction, try to clearly state your position on the issue, rather than saying you 'partially agree'. This will provide a clearer framework for your argument.
task achievement
Ensure all parts of the prompt are addressed. The essay could include more on how cultural diversity contributes to making a country more interesting, in addition to economic aspects.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a logical flow within paragraphs and between ideas. The second paragraph introduces ideas that would benefit from smoother transitions.
task achievement
Work on providing examples that are more detailed and specific to strengthen your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a structured format.
task achievement
You provide relevant information about the economic impact of a diverse workforce.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized with ideas presented in separate paragraphs.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: