Many young people do not know how to manage their money when graduating from high school.What do you think are the causes of this?What solutions can be suggested?

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It is widely argued that adolescents do not know about dealing with
money
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after finishing secondary school. I think that lack of knowledge may be the main cause of
this
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issue. To overcome
this
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, it is important to teach learners how to manage their
money
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. To commence with, the possible problem that needs to be considered is the lack of knowledge about the importance of
money
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. The traditional education system does not give priority to economic studies , the management of income and dividing their
money
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.
Although
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, guardians do not focus on teaching their children about the importance of
money
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. So young individuals will be graduated without knowing the right
way
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to spend
money
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. Lately, they will teach themselves how to invest and manage their expenditures.
For example
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,
according to
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a survey published by Sudan’s Economic magazine, the result of the survey revealed most of the employees who do not own their own businesses, they are not have a background in investments, taking risks, or jumping outside their comfort zones.
Therefore
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, the main reason behind
this
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way
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of thinking is the mentality of their environments and the
way
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they were brought up. A possible solution to
this
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issue is educating students on how to utilize their
money
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encouraging them to make some profits, and establishing a small business. The
way
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of learning depends on how to prepare future employees not to create enterprise owners, so
this
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way
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of teaching should change.
For example
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, some private schools in Sudan, teach their learners to make small businesses inside their schools walls. In conclusion, some teenagers do not have the essential concepts for dealing with
money
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.
This
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could result from misunderstanding about the importance of
money
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, because of education obligations and their family not aware of it.
Submitted by afnan.sa1992 on

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task achievement
Try to develop your main points more thoroughly. While you identify a key cause and a potential solution, offering additional details or examples could enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
task achievement
Consider ensuring that each point you make is well-supported with relevant examples. This will help reinforce your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is clear, but focus on maintaining a logical progression from one idea to the next within each paragraph. This will help in further improving the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and your opinion, setting a solid framework for the essay.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by identifying both causes and solutions, giving a complete response to the task.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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