IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

4.) With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Because of the improvements in current health care, society has to deal with numerous elderly
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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. In my opinion, society will be unable to cope with the increase in number of elderly population.
First,
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One of the most obvious reasons why society is unable to face the increase in number of elderly people is inadequate medical staff.
Due to
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 the current trend of work-life balance, few doctors and nurses are willing to do their comparatively hard work for an inappropriate salary.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a recent study from the Faculty of Medicine at Harvard University, 8 out of 10 U.S. doctors tend to take more rest if they are given an opportunity to choose their working time.
Moreover
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, health care organizations including hospitals are lacking financial support from the government. Without financial aid, some materials will not be available or some can not be prepared adequately. To tackle the issues, all retired citizens should be promoted
as well as
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 educated to take care of themselves without requiring medical personnel. Good health leads to less demand for hospital services. To illustrate
this
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, a survey recently conducted by the New York Times revealed that two-thirds of
American
Correct article usage
the American
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 elderly population possess a lower chance of using the healthcare service if they are healthy.
Additionally
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, more budget should be allocated to hospitality fields by the authority not only in order to strengthen the system, but
also
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 to produce more doctors and nurses.
This
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 allows hospitals to stay efficient despite high numbers of elderly patients.
To conclude
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, the reasons why the nation is unable to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people are inadequate medical staff and lack of financial support. To tackle the issue, there should be fitness promotion and allocate more budget.

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task achievement
Make sure to structure your introduction clearly, outlining the main points you will discuss in your essay. This will help the reader understand your position from the outset.
task achievement
While your arguments are valid, expand on them with more examples or references to specific statistics or studies, which would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the cohesion by using linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Consider revising grammar and syntax in some areas to improve clarity. For instance, ensure that phrases are correctly formed and that punctuation is used appropriately to aid readability.
task achievement
Your essay clearly states your opinion on the topic in the introduction, which helps guide the reader.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples and points that support your argument, showing a good understanding of the challenges facing healthcare systems.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aging population
  • strain
  • healthcare systems
  • pensions
  • social services
  • technological advancements
  • telemedicine
  • health-monitoring devices
  • community-based support
  • government policies
  • proactive measures
  • retirement age
  • pension reform
  • intergenerational cooperation
  • mental and emotional well-being
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