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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

As technological innovation brings about rapid changes and retraining becomes a lifelong necessity, industry should take a more active role in our education. What is your opinion?

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The
industry
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 should become more involved in our
education
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,
although
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 the government should make sure that non-technical
subjects
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 remain important.
Industry
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 has the expertise and funds to support technical
education
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 and
technology
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 is increasingly important in today’s world.
On the other hand
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, it is important that non-technical
subjects
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 are taught
also
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. In
this
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 essay, these issues will be discussed. There are a number of reasons supporting an increased role for
industry
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 in
education
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.
Firstly
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, the
industry
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 has experts and specialists who are experienced and qualified in their fields. These people are best able to teach others how to use and operate new
technology
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.
Therefore
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, if
industry
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 becomes more involved in
education
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 the teaching quality of technical
subjects
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 will improve.
Moreover
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, the
industry
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 has the money to invest in
education
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. Schools, colleges and universities cost a huge amount of money to maintain and the public has to pay for these institutions through the tax
system
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. If the
industry
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 used its considerable finances to invest in
education
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, the tax burden could be reduced and the educational infrastructure of the country improved.
Lastly
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, learning technological skills is immensely important nowadays and new skills need to be learnt constantly. To keep up to date with
technology
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, it may be necessary for the
industry
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 to fund not just training schemes but colleges and schools so that young students are more adaptable to new
technology
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. Despite these reasons, there is a danger that if
industry
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 became too involved in the
education
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system
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, traditional non-technical
subjects
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,
such
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 as history, art, geography and music would suffer. These
subjects
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 are
also
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 essential for people to have a fully rounded
education
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 and for society to produce all kinds of skilled individuals.
Therefore
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, the government must ensure that traditional
subjects
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 retain their place at the heart of the
education
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system
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. In conclusion, due mainly to its expertise and finances,
industry
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 should play a greater role in the
education
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system
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, but it should not be at the expense of traditional
subjects
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or case studies to illustrate points regarding the involvement of industry in education. This will enhance the relevance and clarity of your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
While you have good logical structure, ensure that your paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the other with transitions or connecting phrases for improved coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a strong conclusion, which is essential for a good score in coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
You present a balanced view, addressing both the benefits of industry involvement and the importance of traditional subjects, which demonstrates an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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