IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Fossil fuels are the main source of energy in many countries. However, in some countries, alternative sources of energy are encouraged. Do you think this is positive or negative development?

#fuels #source #energy #countries #alternative #sources #development
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These days
children
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 often spend more time playing
video
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games
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instead
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 of doing physical activities.
While
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this
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 position has some advantages for
children
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's life, but, I am in favour of it having more negative effects rather than positives. In the modern life, technologies are developing.
Thus
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, using of people's devices increasing day by day. community utilise technologies in various ways. Ranging from positive and negative sides.
However
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, young people mostly use computers, phones and different devices for playing different
games
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. There are several advantages and disadvantages.
For instance
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, when
children
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 play computer
games
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, their brains start adapting to various situations.
That is
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 to say,
video
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games
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 include different challenges.
This
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 helps to improve critical thinking and solving complex problems in
games
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. They, in turn, can tackle more challenges in their life.
On the other hand
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, I believe that sports are more important rather than computer
games
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. First and foremost, when young people play
video
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games
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, they face different serious health issues which range from bad posture
,
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apply
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 to developing brain and vision impairments. Because, when they spend more time sitting in front of the screen, their body's shape changes and
as a result
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, their body will develop incorrectly.
Also
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,
this
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 affects the improvement of their brain.
That is
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 why, they do sports,
thus
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helps
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helping
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 to develop the right body and critical mind.
That is
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 to say, sports require more effort.
As a result
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, their health will be
involved
Verb problem
affected
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 in any case. In conclusion, regardless of the positive effects associated with playing
video
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games
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, when
children
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 spend more time doing various physical activities
instead
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 of computer
games
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, it is more beneficial.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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task achievement
Clarify the thesis statement in the introduction for a more precise stance. While you've stated your position, it could be clearer without the 'but' which makes it slightly confusing. Make sure it's straightforward.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While there is a connection, enhancing the flow between and within paragraphs can improve the coherence. Consider using more linking words to guide the reader.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments. For instance, when discussing health effects of video games, you can mention specific studies or expert opinions.
coherence cohesion
Try to balance the length and details of each point within a paragraph. Some ideas are well-explained, while others could benefit from more elaboration.
task achievement
Your essay clearly presents the contrast between video games and physical activities, which provides a good framework for your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which helps wrap up your ideas neatly.
task achievement
You've recognized both the advantages and disadvantages of video games, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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