IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that competitive sports have a positive effect on the child’s education while others argue it is not so. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and opine

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar graph demonstrates the reasons for
Use synonyms
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 in Australia by each
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 since 2022.
Overall
Linking Words
, as ages rose, the
reason
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 shifted from
love
Use synonyms
 among the younger
age
Use synonyms
 to
security
Use synonyms
 for the older.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 was the second
reason
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
, except for the older
age
Use synonyms
. With regards to the three youngest
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 where
love
Use synonyms
 was the most
reason
Use synonyms
 to be in relationships, with roughly 70% to 80% for
love
Use synonyms
 in the first 3
age
Use synonyms
 bracket. In terms of
18
Correct article usage
the 18
show examples
-24
group
Use synonyms
,
money
Use synonyms
account
Wrong verb form
accounted
show examples
 for 20%,
this
Linking Words
 was 2
times
Use synonyms
 higher than
security
Use synonyms
 at around 10%. Moving onto
25
Correct article usage
the 25
show examples
-34
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, the
reason
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 declined to 14%, which was almost 2
times
Use synonyms
 more than
security
Use synonyms
 for around 8%. Turning to 35-49
age
Use synonyms
,
Money
Use synonyms
was comprise
Change the verb form
was comprised
was comprising
show examples
 up about 21% and 2
times
Use synonyms
 over than
security
Use synonyms
 at 9%. Turning
focus
Add an article
the focus
show examples
 to the remaining two
age
Use synonyms
 groups where there was a shift in
Use synonyms
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
 for
be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
relationship
Add an article
a relationship
show examples
. For those aged 50-75
group
Use synonyms
, around 45% for
security
Use synonyms
 which is the highest
reason
Use synonyms
 in relationships, it was 5% higher than
love
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 was around 15%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
security
Use synonyms
was remained
Change to the active voice
remained
has remained
show examples
 the highest in
reason
Use synonyms
 to be in relationships for over 70%, it was over 10
times
Use synonyms
 higher than
money
Use synonyms
 at 5%
whereas
Linking Words
love
Use synonyms
 was
account
Wrong verb form
accounted
show examples
 for 25%.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Provide a brief introduction to contextualize the bar graph and an appropriate conclusion to summarize the points discussed.
logical structure
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs by using smoother transitions and avoid abrupt changes in discussing different age groups.
supported main points
Ensure all data cited from the bar graph is represented accurately in the essay, confirming consistency in the data described.
complete response
The essay appropriately identifies the main trends: the shift from love to security as reasons for relationships increase in age, and generally maintains a focus on relevant data from the bar graph.
relevant specific examples
The essay contains some detailed data when discussing each age group, providing insight into the changing priorities in relationships.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: