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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010 . Summaries the information by selecting and reporting in the main features, make comparisons where relevant .

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010 . Summaries the information by selecting and reporting in the main features, make comparisons where relevant .
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The bar graphs demonstrate the
ratio
Use synonyms
 of people who participated in senior
development
Use synonyms
 activity in the given organisations over a
period
Use synonyms
 of 30 years.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
men
Use synonyms
's percentage of participation in these companies increased throughout the
period
Use synonyms
, except for Apple, which experienced fluctuation in terms of the percentage of people who took part; specifically, IBM illustrated the high numbers
at the end
Linking Words
.
To begin
Linking Words
, the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
's participation
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
development
Use synonyms
 activity in IDM was the lowest at the beginning with approximately 3%,
whereas
Linking Words
 Apple showed that it was the most popular organisation among developers by illustrating about 15% of participated
men
Use synonyms
, and the
ratio
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 in Microsoft was below 10%. After, in 1995, we can see that all three companies experienced a rise in the
ratio
Use synonyms
 of participation of developers, IBM's
ratio
Use synonyms
 increased dramatically by around 22%,
while
Linking Words
 others showed no significant rise just by roughly 9%.
Next,
Linking Words
we can notice that the proportion of people who participated in senior
development
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 IBM has rapidly risen from about 25% in 1995 to over 60% in 2010, which is the best result
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
ending
Replace the word
end
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is
also
Linking Words
 noticeable that Microsoft has become popular among senior developers, rising by approximately 30% from
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the same
period
Use synonyms
 of time, unlike Apple which has taken an improvement
about
Change preposition
of about
show examples
 just 3% of participating individuals who are interested in senior
development
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the given
period
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words ratio, development, period, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage participation
  • senior development roles
  • observed trends
  • notable increases/decreases
  • significant changes
  • consistency over time
  • influencing factors
  • industry shifts
  • socio-economic factors
  • comparison of data
  • similarities and differences
  • overall trends
  • implications
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