IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be ahppy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

Today,
money
Use synonyms
 is significant in life and many
people
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 believe that we would be less happy without a lot of
money
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However
Linking Words
, in fact,
money
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 is not all
things
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 in life there are various
things
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 to do to be glad. On the one hand, the concept of
happiness
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 varies from person to person. There are
people
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 who think without
money
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 they live in misery
while
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, some
people
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 see that,
money
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 is not important to make
happiness
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 because their view of
happiness
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 is different.
happiness
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 is not just tangible
things
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 but
also
Linking Words
 spiritual
things
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 that bring
happiness
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such
Linking Words
 as love, feeling and humanity, there are many
people
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 who feel happy with little details
such
Linking Words
 as gifts or chocolate.
for example
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, simple
people
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 feel happy when we give them clothes or food.
On the other hand
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, sometimes we see rich
people
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 they unhappy all the time because they do not have enough conviction.
In contrast
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, poor
people
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 feel happy with the simplest
things
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 because they look at
things
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 in a moral sense, not as a value. Even though they do not have a lot of
money
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.
Also
Linking Words
, humans can achieve
happiness
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 in many ways even
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
with simple
things
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.
For instance
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, I remember when I met
together with
Linking Words
 my family and we decided to have a party barbeque I felt so glad and we built beautiful unforgettable memories together. In conclusion, it is up to a person to choose
happiness
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 or misery.
Money
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 is just a means, but it is not everything.

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coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Present clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to enhance the logical structure.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to better illustrate your points.
task achievement
Clarify your stance more explicitly, especially in the introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You included a relevant example about the family barbecue, which enhances understanding.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
The essay discusses various factors contributing to happiness, not just money.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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