IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to solve this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Obesity
 is a contentious issue debated nowadays, as many
people
 struggle with the challenge of losing weight. Some
people
 believe that
exercise
 is the best way to solve
this
 problem.
However
, I strongly disagree with
this
 statement because
food
 consumption contributes most to overweight.
This
 essay will examine key points regarding how
food
 impacts
obesity
To begin
 with, there are various reasons why
people
 are overweight.
Firstly
, lack of physical activity is a major factor. In our daily lives, we see many
people
 who do not
exercise
 as much as they should
due to
 reasons
such
 as work.
This
 lack of physical activity leads to overweight.
For example
, many jobs today require
people
 to sit at a desk and work in front of a screen,
such
 as administrative positions, programming jobs, and other office-based roles.
Secondly
, another reason for being overweight is a lack of
awareness
 regarding the consumption of junk
food
. Junk
food
 is particularly dangerous, as it contributes significant amounts of unnecessary sugar, fats, and sodium to our bodies, which in turn
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to health issues, including
obesity
. Some
people
 believe that increasing
exercise
 is the best way to solve the
obesity
 problem.
However
, from my perspective, raising
awareness
 about
food
 consumption is the best approach to
address
Wrong verb form
addressing
show examples
 overweight. When
people
 understand how unhealthy
food
 impacts our bodies and leads to health issues, it will promote
awareness
 and encourage more careful choices about the
food
 they consume. In conclusion, many
people
 struggle with gaining excess weight
due to
 various reasons.
Although
 some believe that physical
exercise
 will solve
this
 problem, I think that raising
awareness
 about the importance of understanding what the body needs from
food
 is the best way to address
this
 issue.
Submitted by masry.pakpahan on

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task achievement
Though the essay introduces a counter-argument, it could be further developed or refuted to show a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a consistent use of linking words and complex structures to enhance fluency and cohesion in the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the issue and the writer's position, setting up the essay effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples to support the points made, such as the impact of sedentary jobs and junk food.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer’s viewpoint.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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