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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is believed that ex-imprisoned individuals are the most appropriate those who talk to the young about the dangers of committing a crime. Personally, I strongly agree with the fact that they are. Because generally these are the only ones who truly livein acriminal situation , but they are
also
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 the only voice teenagers will hear.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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, these people are those who lived through
this
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 kind of situation , and now, they understand what they did wrong.
In other words
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, the time spent in the penitentiary made these people realise the errors they comitted and to some of them it made them want to apologise by becoming good citizens.
For example
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, imagine a criminal who spent ten years in jail and who is now a good citizen and wants to make amends. Of course, they will be more appropriate to talk with the younger generations than a psychologist who did not really live through
this
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 type of situation.
Body paragraph 2
To continue, these individuals are the best to talk about criminal life to younger generations because they are the only voices they will really respect and hear about. Because, normally, the teenagers, in an act of rebellion, do not respect authority.
However
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, when ,
for instance
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, a group of ex-criminals come to talk to them about their experience, they will respect them because
firstly
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 they are impressed knowing the grown-up in front of them has once been a criminal. But
secondly
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, they will hear the speech with attention because some of them will see him represented in one of the speechwriters.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I personally think that the people who have been in prison are the most appropriate to talk about criminal life to younger generations. Because they really know these kinds of situations , and because they are truly who are respected by the adolescents.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first lines, then keep the same view in all parts. You do this well, but explain more why these people are the best choice, not only a good choice.
task response
Give a more real example. The example of a man in jail is clear, but it is very general. Say what he tells teens and how this may stop a teen from doing wrong.
task response
Add one short point about care. Not all people from prison are ready to talk to teens, so schools should choose people who have changed and can speak in a safe way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Use simpler links: use “First” for the first point and “Second” for the next point. “To continue” is not the best link here.
coherence and cohesion
Do not start many sentences with “Because”. Join these ideas to the sentence before them. This will make the writing flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main point in one clear order: state the point, explain it, give an example, and say why it helps teens. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words for people. In one part, “they” may mean former people in prison or teens. Say “former prisoners” or “teenagers” again when needed.
task response
You answer the full question and give a clear strong view from the start to the end.
task response
Your two main ideas are on topic: real life knowledge and the fact that teens may listen more closely.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The ending brings your two main points back together in a clear way.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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