IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that in order to reduce the rising obesity among children the school administration should make it necessary for every child to participate in sports and other outdoor activities. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #obesity #children #school #administration #child #sports #activities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Spots play a pivotal role in shaping, both individuals and societies. Some parts of the group think that
school
 authorities should make rules for students to participate in
sports
 to reduce obesity. I completely agree with the statement, and my inclination will be justified in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with, there are numerous reasons to make regulations for outdoor activities, but the most significant one is child learning power. Put it in simple words: At the early stage, children's adaptability is strong, and they learn and act as per teachers' instruction. So by running outdoor games since childhood, they develop an interest in it, which helps to reduce obesity forever. Training under the observation of physical teachers helps them to build discipline
as well as
 develop bonds with other peers. Another benefit is that it saves parents'
time
. As nowadays most of the parents are working, it is difficult for them to spend
time
 on children's outdoor activities.
Thus
, most of the people believe that it is necessary to make a regulation for
sports
 at
school
.
On the other hand
, there are some demerits like it increases the burden on the
school
 budget.
In other words
, to develop
such
 infrastructure,
school
 authorities need to pay extra money
as well as
time
.
Furthermore
, compulsory
sports
 periods affect important subjects like maths and science.
However
, these challenges can be mitigated by proper planning and observations. In conclusion, making
sports
 and outdoor activities increases the burden on the
school
 budget and
time
, but
due to
 learning capabilities and saving parents'
time
, it helps to reduce obesity in children.
Submitted by Surbhi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider using more specific examples and data to reinforce your arguments. For instance, mentioning studies or statistics related to children's obesity and sports could enhance your essay's impact.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs and linking ideas more explicitly. Words such as 'moreover,' 'in addition,' or 'on the contrary' can help clarify the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully presented a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your argument well.
task achievement
Your task response provides a thorough answer to the prompt by discussing multiple perspectives on the issue. That thoroughness is a key strength in your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: