IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Universities should accept equal members of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#universities #members #students
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Gender
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 equality has been a topic of debate over the years. Some people believe that there should be
same
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the same
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 amount of male and female
students
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 in all
subjects
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 in order to achieve
gender
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 equality,
while
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 others argue that it is unfair to set quotas in
subjects
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 just based on
gender
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, rather than interests and
ability
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. In my opinion, I completely disagree
on
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with
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gender
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Use synonyms
quota
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quotas
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 in
university
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courses
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.
Firstly
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, there are certain
subjects
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 in universities which have
major
Correct article usage
a major
show examples
gender
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 landslide.
For example
Linking Words
, there are more male
students
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 in
subjects
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 like engineering and computer sciences,
more
Correct word choice
and more
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 female
students
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 in nursing and education because of the genetic differences between men and
women
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, most men are born to think in a more logical and systemic way than
women
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, which made them good at
subjects
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 like science and computer. Oppositely,
women
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 are usually born with mother nature
that is
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 more nurturing and better in looking after the others so there are more
women
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 in nursing and education field.
Therefore
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,
university
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 admission quotas should be based on personal character, interest and
ability
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 rather than
gender
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.
Additionally
Linking Words
, setting
gender
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Use synonyms
quota
Fix the agreement mistake
quotas
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 in
university
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courses
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is
Verb problem
does
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 not
promoting
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promote
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 fairness but
causing
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causes
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waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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in
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of
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 resources.
For instance
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, it is not fair if a male and female student who have the same exam result and picked the same subject,
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is admitted to their desired course but the other cannot just because of the
gender
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quota
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, not because of their
ability
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there could be
students
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 admitted to certain
courses
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 because of the
gender
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quota
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, not based on their interest or
ability
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, it could cause a waste of resources and time
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 both the individual and institute in training these people to a certain standard.
To conclude
Linking Words
, setting
gender
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Use synonyms
quota
Fix the agreement mistake
quotas
show examples
 in
university
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courses
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 cannot promote the aim of
gender
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 equality but
causing
Wrong verb form
causes
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 problems in fairness based on personal interest and
ability
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.
Submitted by kittycwy on

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task achievement
You should focus on expanding your ideas and providing more specific examples. Detailed examples can enhance the quality of your argument and make it more convincing.
task achievement
Try to refine your understanding of gender differences. Avoid generalizations that might be perceived as stereotypical or scientifically unsupported. Instead, focus on interests and talents rather than inherent 'genetic differences.'
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the coherence between paragraphs by using linking words and phrases that make the transition smoother and more logical.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, consistently supporting your opinion throughout.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.
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