IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

the increasing prevalence of sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy eating habits, obesity has become a major health problem in many countries. What factors contribute to this issue, and what actions can individuals and governments take to address it?

There is no denying the fact that in today's fast-paced society, obesity is a worldwide issue affecting individuals and governments.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes and
solutions
Use synonyms
 to
this
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 problem.
To begin
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 with, living in today's world impacts many people negatively.
Firstly
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, obesity is a huge health pandemic that can be caused by many different factors. In fact, food accessibility and taste are the main attractions to a lot of people.
In contrast
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, unhealthy food options have huge addictive substances that can enhance the taste significantly compared to healthy options.
In addition
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, these restaurants invest huge budgets in advertisement and promotion to attract teenagers and young adults.
For example
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, late-night advertising is for those who wake up late and do not want to waste their effort in preparing their meals. In terms of
solutions
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, the government might have many possible
solutions
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such
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 as offering affordable gym enrolment fees that are available to the whole society , especially vulnerable groups. It is
also
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 possible to say that, the government should increase health awareness among adults through campaigning and home visits to those who are suffering from obesity and providing them with possible
solutions
Use synonyms
.
Also
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, making more desirable healthy meals by investing in chefs to create a valuable menu.
For instance
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, many professional chefs offer meal preparation courses for those who are willing to prepare their healthy meals. In conclusion, there are many reasons leading to
this
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 problem in many group categories. It is
also
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 possible to say that the government and people have a huge responsibility to decrease
this
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 global issue

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay introduces the topic effectively and provides a conclusion, but ensure that your main ideas are consistently linked throughout the essay. Consider using more connecting words or phrases to guide the reader clearly from one point to the next.
Task Response
To further improve clarity, expand on your main points with additional specific examples or data. More detailed examples could enhance the reader's understanding of the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. One of your suggestions, about investing in chefs, could be more closely tied to the main argument of governmental responsibility and elaborated in its own paragraph for clarity.
Task Achievement
The essay identifies clear causes and solutions for obesity, showing a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion within the broader context of societal responsibility.
Task Achievement
The essay provides some varied solutions, demonstrating a range of ideas (e.g., affordable gym enrollment and public health awareness campaigns).
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • obesity
  • major health problem
  • factors
  • contribute to
  • issue
  • actions
  • individuals
  • governments
  • address
  • lack of physical activity
  • genetic factors
  • socioeconomic status
  • regular exercise
  • balanced diet
  • portion control
  • healthy snacking
  • awareness programs
  • promoting
  • active lifestyles
  • regulating
  • food advertising
  • parks
  • recreational facilities
  • implementing
  • school health programs
  • taxing
  • unhealthy foods
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