IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are not living longer the ever before. some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if he has more elderly people. To what extent to the advantages of having an Asian population outweigh the disadvantages.

#countries #people #population #governments #asian
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Nowadays, the
increases
Fix the agreement mistake
increase
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
population
 of elderly
people
 in several countries
lead
Wrong verb form
has led
show examples
 to a
widely
Change the adverb
wide
show examples
 discussion among the
people
.
While
 some
people
 argue that
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
population
 lead to a problem for
governments
, others think it
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 with
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
benefits for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Despite some negative aspects, I believe that the advantages largely outweigh the disadvantages.
To begin
 with, it is noticeable in several countries they are facing a lower number of fertility.
Therefore
, the
population
 of elderly dominated significantly. On one hand,
people
 believe
this
 might lead
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
problem for
governments
.
This
 can be explained by the possibility for
governments
 to allocate some of the money to funding the
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 of
this
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 community. It cannot be denied that as the age
getting
Wrong verb form
gets
show examples
 old, the quality and performances of old
people
 do not as effective as young
generations
.
Therefore
, many of them are retired and the government as a form of good governance should spend monthly allowance
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them.
On the other hand
, others think that the existence of
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 generation might be beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
This
 may be cause
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the knowledge and experience that they have can be
share
Wrong verb form
shared
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the young
generations
.
For example
, when it comes to the phase of their
retirements
Fix the agreement mistake
retirement
show examples
 moment,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
 can share some of their technical knowledge and experience
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 young
people
 so that
these knowledge
Change the determiner
this knowledge
show examples
would
Verb problem
can
show examples
be pass
Change the verb form
be passed
be passing
show examples
 over the
generations
.
Furthermore
, recent studies by
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Diponegoro
also
indicates
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicate
show examples
 that the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
criminal rate in a town
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 most of the
population
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 50
above
Correct word choice
and above
show examples
shows
Verb problem
is
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lower number compared to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 town that
dominated
Add a missing verb
is dominated
show examples
 by
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
generations
. Indeed,
this
 might help the
governments
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
terms of handling criminal
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in the country by
giving
Verb problem
providing
show examples
 a safe and secure environment for the
people
. In conclusion, despite the existence of some drawbacks, I believe that the advantages of
ageing
Add an article
an ageing
the ageing
show examples
population
 are far greater, making them outweigh the existing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
disadvantages.
Submitted by salwaputrihardiyan on

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Task Achievement
To enhance task response, ensure that you provide a balanced examination of both the advantages and disadvantages, offering deeper exploration and more examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
For clearer communication, organizers should be utilized throughout your essay to better link ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Language Use
Pay careful attention to grammar and word choice to minimize small language errors and improve clarity.
Task Achievement
Offer specific data, anecdotes, or examples where possible to lend more weight to your points.
Task Achievement
The introduction clearly defines the scope of the essay and makes a clear position statement that guides the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay logically articulates the pros and cons of an aging population, supporting its viewpoint with reasoning.
Task Achievement
Uses specific examples, such as studies, to strengthen the point regarding lower crime rates in elderly-dominated areas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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