IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

city environments become more and more unhealthy. Offer causes and solutions

#city #environments #offer
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays the urban environment has become much worse and it is becoming the main cause of the disease, especially in big cities. There are several factors (that) contribute to
this
Linking Words
 problem. One of the main
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
 of urban unhealthiness is
air
Use synonyms
 pollution. Big cities are often filled with factories and vehicles that emit harmful pollutants.
For example
Linking Words
, factories produce detrimental gas in the
air
Use synonyms
 and toxic chemicals or oil in water. Another factor is the lack of green spaces. Urbanization often leads to the disappearance of parks and nature areas.
Such
Linking Words
 places are perfect for doing sports or daily walks. The disappearance of parks will lead to the fact that most people will stay at home more and breathe polluted
air
Use synonyms
, which will lead to obesity and a sedentary lifestyle. The solution to
this
Linking Words
 problem is
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to improve public transportation. It can reduce the number of traffic jams on the road, thereby decreasing
air
Use synonyms
 pollution.
Additionally
Linking Words
, urban planners should prioritize the creation of green spaces.
For instance
Linking Words
, roof gardens, parks,
tree
Correct word choice
and tree
show examples
 planting can enhance urban environments. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 urban environments face significant health challenges
due to
Linking Words
 pollution and lack of green spaces,
such
Linking Words
 measures
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 enhancing vehicles and increasing green areas can effectively address these issues. By prioritizing health in urban planning, cities can become healthier places for their residents.
Submitted by khotkina.ma on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Try using more diverse sentence structures to make the essay more engaging.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, such as referencing specific cities with pollution solutions.
Task Achievement
Careful with repeated words and minor grammatical errors to enhance clarity, like ‘main cause’ instead of ‘one of the main cause’.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively identifies air pollution and lack of green spaces as key causes of unhealthy urban environments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Logical flow is maintained between paragraphs, providing a clear linkage.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion succinctly recaps the main points, offering solutions to the problem identified.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: