IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

More people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time to work is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #one’s #time #activities #work
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In modern
society
Add a comma
society,
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 some people believe that it is more important
spending
Change the verb form
to spend
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time
Use synonyms
 with family rather
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
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 at work
while
Linking Words
 others believe the opposite. In my opinion, I believe there is
not
Correct your spelling
no
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best
Correct word choice
better
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 way to
spending
Replace the word
spend
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time
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
than
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 with our own
families
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, it is important for people to focus on their own
families
Use synonyms
. Modern
families
Use synonyms
 should spend more
time
Use synonyms
 together doing activities. If more
time
Use synonyms
 is spent
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
families
Change the noun form
family
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 activities, society would benefit in regards to future
happinest
Correct your spelling
happiness
.
As a result
Linking Words
, family relations would grow harmoniously and quality of life would improve.
For example
Linking Words
 , I always
puted
Correct your spelling
put
show examples
 my family first
also
Linking Words
 when, at work, they offered me a double salary but
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 had to stay away from my son and wife all week and
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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time
Use synonyms
 with them just on the weekend so
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 rejected the offer because to me do
every day
Replace the word
everyday
show examples
 activities with my closer lovers is the most important
terapy
Correct your spelling
therapy
 for every
strees
Correct your spelling
stress
 that live could give to us.
Submitted by 61verme on

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coherence cohesion
Structure your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to articulate your argument more effectively. Currently, there's an introduction, but the essay concludes abruptly without a summarization.
task achievement
Ensure all viewpoints are equally discussed, and provide a balanced analysis of each side of the argument. Your essay focuses mainly on the importance of spending time with family and doesn't fully address the viewpoint concerning the priority of work.
coherence cohesion
Improve grammatical accuracy and vocabulary usage to enhance clarity. For example, correct expressions such as "happinest" to "happiness" and "puted" to "put."
task achievement
The essay clearly states a personal opinion, highlighting the importance of family time in the introduction.
task achievement
A personal example is provided, which adds depth and relatability to the discussion on prioritizing family over work.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • devote one's time
  • family activities
  • emotional bonds
  • overall well-being
  • family support
  • emotional stability
  • mental health
  • fulfilling life
  • financial stability
  • career advancement
  • personal growth
  • sense of achievement
  • professional success
  • resources and opportunities
  • work-life balance
  • harmonious life
  • setting priorities
  • time management
  • flexible working arrangements
  • societal benefits
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