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Band 5

People in many countries are spending less time with their family. Reasons and effect of this. Huy Tran

#people #countries #time #effect #huy #tran
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In the contemporary era, the relationship between family members in some countries is becoming increasingly distant. In
this
Linking Words
 paragraph, I will present the reasons and consequences of spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with family in some
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
. There are many cause why people in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 era
consume
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 less
time
Use synonyms
 with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
Firstly
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, the younger generation is wasting their
time
Use synonyms
 on meeting friends and personal
persuits
Correct your spelling
pursuits
.
Furthermore
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, they spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
finding personal
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 and
pursing
Correct your spelling
pursuing
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 their own passions, forgetting to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their parents. From these things, the less they spend with their families, the greater the gap between their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones.
In addition
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, during the period of technological development, each family member has their own phone, after finishing their daily chores, they often spend some
time
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 surfing the web, which leads to the relationship between husband and wife and children gradually fading, the phone is a big barrier for them to communicate with their beloved ones. A recent research conducted at Havard University
show
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shows
show examples
 that 68%
family
Change preposition
of family
show examples
 members do not take care
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 each other because they use their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 too much.
Secondly
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, the fact that
,
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apply
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 husband and wife stay together for a long
time
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 and there is no innovation in love leads to conflicts,
disagreements
Correct word choice
and disagreements
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, which is a recently emerging topic.
Moreover
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, when conflicts occur frequently, it will lead to
wife
Correct article usage
the wife
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 or husband becoming frustrated with their families and no longer caring about the people they once loved, even divorce. Since
then
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, their love is no
passionate
Correct quantifier usage
more passionate
show examples
 than before and
as a result
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, their children are not properly educated. In conclusion, each of us needs to be more responsible and attentive to our parents to bring family members together.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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Task Achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the essay question. Elaborate more on both the reasons for spending less time with family and the effects of it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your ideas. Try using more transitional phrases to connect your points seamlessly.
Supported Main Points
Try to support your main points with more specific examples or evidence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid repeating similar ideas or points, and focus on giving a well-rounded view of the topic.
Introduction/Conclusion Present
The introduction and conclusion clearly present and summarize the main idea.
Complete Response
The essay has a clear attempt to explain reasons and effects, which shows an understanding of the task.
Relevant Specific Examples
Use of a research study to support the idea about technology affecting family relationships adds to your points.
Logical Structure
The paragraph division reflects an intention to organize ideas logically.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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