IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think government is wasting money on arts subject in schools and that the money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view.

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Some people argue that governments should stop spending money on
art
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 subjects and that money should be spent on something else.
Whilst
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apply
show examples
I completely disagree with
this
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 statement because governments should encourage
students
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 to show their talents by helping
schools
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 financially.
This
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 essay will discuss why the government chooses to pay and why it's more important for
schools
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 nowadays. First of all, technology nowadays is taking over everyone's attention, including
students
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, which results in
students
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 wasting
time
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 using devices in their free
time
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.
Therefore
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, it is known that every individual has an interest in something, so the government decided to focus on
art
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schools
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 since they are popular.
For example
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, it has been shown in the United States that almost 93% of young individuals are spending their free
time
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 using their electronic devices which can have negative side effects on their brain.
For
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this
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 reason, technology is
time
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-consuming and
students
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 should spend
time
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 learning something new or attending
art
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schools
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, helping
art
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schools
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 financially is crucial.
This
Linking Words
 is because
schools
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 will be able to purchase expensive tools for the
art
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 classes including painting brushes, canvases, and wooden stands.
For example
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, 34% of the
art
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 school
students
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 in India are suffering from
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increased lack of
art
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 supplies which can affect their learning. In conclusion, I believe that
students
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 should focus more on improving their talents
instead
Linking Words
 of focusing on technology.
However
Linking Words
, helping the
art
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schools
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 is completely essential in
this
Linking Words
 generation, it will create a great generation for the future.

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task achievement
Ensure your arguments are more comprehensively developed, providing further evidence or examples to support each claim.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more linking phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion in the essay, which frames the response well.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
Relevant examples are used effectively to support the main ideas, enhancing the argument's validity.
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