IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Obesity is a growing problem around the world. Why is this? What can be done about it?

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Obesity
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 rates have been increasing, leading them to become a world problem.
This
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 is because individuals tend to choose junk
food
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 that can negatively affect their body composition, and
people
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 can be encouraged to maintain their bodies by facilitating them with educational sessions to enhance their mindfulness. Most
people
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 have unbalanced diets and tend to consume unhealthy
food
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, which results in
obesity
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. They choose fast
food
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 that mainly contains high-fattening substances
such
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 as fat, sugar, and salt because they find it delicious and can be obtained more easily than making home-cooked
food
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 by using organic ingredients.
For instance
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, in the U.S., fast-
food
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 restaurants have been growing extensively because they have a lot of customers and offer various products to them, which urges
people
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 to consume them.
As a result
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, the number of obese
people
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 has significantly increased alongside the consumption of fast
food
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.
Moreover
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, raising campaigns about the drawbacks of
obesity
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 can be a viable option. In
this
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 way, individuals can be educated about the long-term impacts that can cause chronic diseases and bad eating behaviours, enhancing their awareness and slowly altering their habits. To exemplify, many communities in Indonesia have been appearing to share valuable insights about
obesity
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 and how to address it as they provide numerous engaging activities, including seminars, training, and more, which eventually help them maintain their bodies and can reduce the number of obese
people
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.
Thus
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, the more support and knowledge
people
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 can have, the more
people
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 care for their health, which is why educating them is crucial.
To conclude
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, the high consumption of unhealthy
food
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due to
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 the existence of fast
food
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 restaurants steers away
people
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 from nutritious
food
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, which leads to
obesity
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. If they are provided with crucial information about
obesity
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, they will better understand its importance and downsides to tackle it effectively.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Strengthen the logical progression of your argument by ensuring each paragraph ties back to the main topic more explicitly. For instance, when discussing solutions, clearly relate them back to the causes mentioned in the first paragraph.
Task Achievement
Consider developing your points a bit further for added depth. For example, elaborate on how educational campaigns can practically change individual behavior and lead to a societal shift.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the overall discussion effectively.
Task Achievement
Uses specific examples, such as the situation in the U.S. and Indonesia, which adds value and realism to the essay's arguments.
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