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Band 6.5

Fewer students are studying science at school and university, favouring more computer based subjects instead. Is this a positive or negative development? What are the reasons for this?

Many
students
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 nowadays prefer to learn
knowledge
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that is
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 computer-based
knowledge
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 rather than science subjects at university.
This
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 could have negative consequences, but in general,
this
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 change is for the better.
This
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 essay will explore one of the most significant benefits of
this
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 development and one main reason for
this
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 statement , with clear examples. The main reason why computer-based subjects have become popular among all pupils in recent years is their suitability for modern life.
That is
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 to say, the technology, in many countries, is increasing year by year, and a myriad of types of professions are based on computers, as all paperwork is altered on online platforms.
Moreover
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, if people want to get any jobs, these job directors will likely require more
knowledge
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 about computer programs. In Europe,
for example
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, 75 per cent of the work of the population is attributed to the electronic devices.
Therefore
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, some individuals might decide to learn digital programs for their future.
Furthermore
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, there is no doubt that choosing technological subjects is likely to be beneficial for our society, since
this
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 statement could help the community open up new discoveries, especially in the world of science.
In other words
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, the more
knowledge
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students
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 gain, the more they are able to create new technologies. In Germany,
for instance
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,
students
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 experience new discovery, creating a new colony of bacteria;
this
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 experience has been done with computer technologies.
Thus
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, owing to
this
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 fact, some people want to learn more computer skills and programs. In conclusion, lots of
students
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 are gaining science
knowledge
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 at school and institutions, favouring more computer-based education
instead
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. Given the facts, I would say that the profits of
this
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 development outweigh its negatives.

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content
Give a clear view on if the change is good or bad, with a short plan to prove it.
content
Use more real and close examples that fit the topic.
structure
Use a clear plan: intro, body on the good side, body on the bad side, and a conclusion.
structure
Link ideas with plain words like first, next, also, but, so, therefore.
language
Check grammar and word use to avoid mistakes and keep meaning clear.
content
The writer takes a clear position in the intro and conclusion.
structure
There are some linking words to show flow.
content
Examples are used to back up ideas.
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