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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main cause of this? What are the effects?

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It is undeniable that
obesity
Use synonyms
 is significantly increasing globally. In my opinion, an unhealthy lifestyle including an inappropriate
diet
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,
stress
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 and less mobility is the major factor
of
Change preposition
in
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 overweighting, which impacts individuals’
health
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 in various ways.
However
Linking Words
,
obesity
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 remarkably
increases
Wrong verb form
increased
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 all around the world
for
Change preposition
to
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 several extents, but I think that the unhealthy modern lifestyle is the key. The first and the most common is unhealthy diets. some
people
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 overlook their
diet
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 programs and do not pay attention to their dishes, which
consequently
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 leads to gain weight. An unhealthy
diet
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 not only includes fast foods
such
Linking Words
 as pizza but
also
Linking Words
 includes disordered eating times. Some individuals skip meals to curb their appetite,
whereas
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 causes overeating as the person will be much hungrier later.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in some individuals, high levels of
stress
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 are related to gaining weight. Many
people
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 develop their cravings for sugar and fat to counteract their tension. Weight gain even occurs in
people
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 with healthy diets, as
stress
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 releases cortisol, a
stress
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 hormone, which is the reason for abdominal fat in
such
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 stressful
people
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.
Moreover
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, the result of modernisation is declining in individuals’ mobility which results in fatness.
For instance
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, nowadays most
people
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 occupy office settings,
while
Linking Words
 in the past
people
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 did more practical work. Admittedly,
obesity
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 negatively influences individuals’ lives and has a range of chronic well-being issues associated with physical and mental
health
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.
Obesity
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 increases the risk of different diseases
such
Linking Words
 as cardiovascular diseases, diabetes and musculoskeletal disorders.
In addition
Linking Words
, overweighting not only affects the physical
health
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 of individuals but
also
Linking Words
 leads to psychological challenges. obese
people
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 often suffer from low self-esteem, which makes them depressed and anxious in confronting social stigma. In conclusion, I think an unhealthy lifestyle including, an unhealthy
diet
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, stressful life and less activity is the main reason for overweighting which leads to numerous physical and mental
health
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, since
people
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 should consider measures to overcome
this
Linking Words
 issue.

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task achievement
Although the essay addresses the causes and effects of obesity, it could benefit from more specific examples to support the main points. Including examples from studies or statistics could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs. However, improved transitions between points could enhance the flow. Phrases such as 'Additionally' or 'Moreover' might help.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your opinion, sets the stage for the essay, and provides a brief overview of what will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively organized the essay into clear sections, discussing causes first and then effects. This logical progression supports reader understanding.
task achievement
Each paragraph is focused on a single main idea, which helps maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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