IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

SPENDING TIME IN ANOTHER COUNTRY, NOT AS A PART OF HOLIDAY, IS BENEFICIAL FOR ONE’S PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

#time #country #part #holiday #one’s #development
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In
this
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 contemporary world, the trend of online interaction has drastically increased. It is true that individuals
are preferring
Wrong verb form
prefer
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 to communicate online rather than in person. I personally cite that
this
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 trend is leading to detrimental effects on society in various ways.
To begin
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 with, there are numerous reasons behind the negative approach
socializing
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to socializing
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 online.
Initially
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, it makes
people
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 lethargic as they have access to it within their comfort zone. To be more precise,
due to
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 advancements
of
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in
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 technology, there are myriads of social
media
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 websites where
people
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 can connect within
the
Correct article usage
apply
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seconds.
For instance
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, a website called Bumble has made dating convenient for
people
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 as they do not need to leave their
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
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for meeting
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to meet
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 each other.
Thus
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, it makes human beings fully dependent on social
media
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, and staying in their comfort which can lead to a vulnerable effect on their lives.
Furthermore
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, another reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 using social
media
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 for socialization is fraudulent activities. To elaborate, because of the fake accounts and social
media
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 scams,
people
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 are getting caught in traps of fraud related to money and their personal
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. To exemplify,
according to
Linking Words
 a survey conducted by Forbes Magazine, more
that
Correct word choice
than
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 70% of
people
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 who has encountered
with
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apply
show examples
online interaction scams.
Therefore
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, it has a wide range of negative
effect
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effects
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 on
human’s
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human
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 mental health which can cause depression and
leading
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lead
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 to suicide.
To conclude
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,
although
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this
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 innovation has both pros and cons, individuals should
aware
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be aware
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 of the consequences of
this
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 phenomenon. I think that before socializing online with anyone,
people
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 should be more active and precise
to
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in
show examples
 their actions.
Submitted by harmeetkohli31 on

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task achievement
Make sure your essay directly addresses the topic given, spending time in another country, and its benefits for personal development. Your current essay discusses online interaction instead.
task achievement
Include examples and explanations relevant to the essay question specific to spending time abroad, such as cultural understanding, language proficiency, and adaptability skills.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your arguments follow a logical order, with clear connections between ideas. Transitions between paragraphs can be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively sandwiching your main points.
task achievement
You provide several examples and specific details to support your points, although they are off-topic. This demonstrates good writing practice.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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