IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people think that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other believe that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. discuss both sides and give my opinion.

#people #attention
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While
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 some
people
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 assert that advertisements remain a powerful
influence
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to convince
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in convincing
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people
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 to purchase products, others contend that individuals do not become interested in them
due to
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 their excessive prevalence.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and propose my thoughts. First and foremost, one compelling argument supporting the former notion is that the introduction of smartphones has significantly strengthened the
influence
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 of
ads
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, as nowadays, most individuals tend to possess them at any time, even
while
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 exercising and working.
Hence
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, they spend an enormous amount of time watching the screen in daily life, which boosts the potential impact of
ads
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 on
people
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. To illustrate, the more
people
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 take pleasure in social media, the more the number of encountering appealing
ads
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 will increase.
As a result
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, individuals are incited to purchase products that they might not have considered
otherwise
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. All in all, technological dynamics have promoted
this
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influence
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.
In contrast
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, there is a likelihood that social dynamics lead to a drop in the significance of appealing items caused by the overuse of
ads
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 in
society
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.
For instance
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, in the past when mobile digital devices did not exist,
such
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 as laptops and smartphones, it was relatively easy to capture
attention
Correct article usage
the attention
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from
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of
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 the public as television served as the only means of promoting companies' items.
Moreover
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, watching
TV
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 with families used to be a major lifestyle.
Thus
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,
ads
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 exerted a significant
influence
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 over
society
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.
On the other hand
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, in today's
society
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,
people
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 can have easy access to extensively attractive virtual content, leading to a decrease in the time spent watching
TV
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.
Hence
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, considering the impact of
TV
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 on
society
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, it is obvious that its power has decreased after the introduction of mobile devices. In conclusion,
while
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 the significance of
ads
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 remains extremely powerful in
society
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 because of smartphones, considering the effect on nations driven by
TV
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, the existence of modern technology has undermined
this
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influence
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.
Nevertheless
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, in my opinion,
ads
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 can still incite
people
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 to purchase products because of the diversity of social media.
Submitted by kurosaku5857 on

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task achievement
Ensure that you provide specific examples to illustrate your points. While your arguments are strong, incorporating specific studies, statistics, or incidents would enhance your essay's persuasive power.
coherence cohesion
Consider improving paragraph transitions for even smoother navigation through your arguments. Each paragraph should seamlessly lead to the next, guiding the reader flawlessly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are very well-written, efficiently preparing the reader for your discussion and summarizing your standpoint effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a strong logical structure, with a clear progression of ideas and a balanced discussion of both perspectives.
task achievement
You successfully discussed both sides of the argument, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
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