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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below gives information about computer ownership in the US from 1997 to 2012. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below gives information about computer ownership in the US from 1997 to 2012. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The
presented
Verb problem
apply
show examples
chart
Use synonyms
 above illustrates the amount of
people
Use synonyms
 owning
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 in the United States in the years 1997 to 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
chart
Use synonyms
 implies that
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 number of individuals owning computers
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
increasing
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 throughout the years.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
chart
Use synonyms
 for those who do not own a
computer
Use synonyms
 shows a
decline
Change the verb form
declining
show examples
 trend.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, number of
people
Use synonyms
 owning 3 or more computers remained the lowest at 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2012.
Whereas
Linking Words
, those who own 2 computers went through a small growth from 5 per
cent
Use synonyms
 to 23 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2012.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the highest number are held by
people
Use synonyms
 with one
computer
Use synonyms
 at 28 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 1997 and 50 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2012.
However
Linking Words
, the trend for
people
Use synonyms
 with no
computer
Use synonyms
 is showing an opposite trend. It started really high at approximately 68 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 1997.
Then
Linking Words
, it slowly decreased to 37 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2003.
Finally
Linking Words
, the line
chart
Use synonyms
 continued to grow even smaller to 19 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2012.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, people, computer, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
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