IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people in the music business feel that illegal music sites on the internet are a serious threat to the industry and more should be done to prevent them from operating. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

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Recently, illegal
music
Use synonyms
sites
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' problems have become more serious to the
music
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 industry and they can disrupt the
music
Use synonyms
 business hugely. They believe more actions are needed to be done to stop them from operating. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain some reasons behind
this
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 statement on why should we agree or disagree with them and will
further
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 give my perspective in the conclusion.
Firstly
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, these illegal
music
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sites
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 can harm the producers of the
music
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. They will feel disrespected because of the efforts they have made to make
music
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.
While
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 they hope to get money and popularity from their songs, these illegal
sites
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 prevent them from getting it. They will not get any money, royalty,
as well as
Linking Words
 the chance to perform on stage.
For example
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, the estimated loss
happen
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to the Kangen Band, one of my country's famous bands, is amounting
almost
Change preposition
to almost
show examples
 10 billion.
This
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 happened because many of their fans bought the songs from illegal
music
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sites
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, so their
music
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 label did not get income.
Secondly
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, the regulation for
this
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 issue is so soft to the offender. The government should be more aware and make more impactful moves to overcome the threat. They can increase the punishment so the offenders will think twice about doing that again.
For instance
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, the punishment that may work is putting them in jail for maybe 10-15 years and
also
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 fining them as much as the victim's loss. In summary, there are many issues coming from these illegal activities and some recommended options to stop or at least minimize them. I strongly believe that the illegal
music
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sites
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 should be fought more, we as a people and the governments as the regulators.

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task achievement
Expand on points to give a more comprehensive answer to the task prompt. You could delve deeper into the consequences of illegal music sites on the music industry and legal measures currently in place.
coherence cohesion
Some transitions between points could be smoother to enhance the logical flow of the essay. Using linking words more effectively can help achieve this.
coherence cohesion
The essay clearly introduces the topic and provides a conclusion that summarizes the main points and offers a personal stance.
task achievement
The use of a specific example (Kangen Band) supports the argument and makes the point more tangible.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • intellectual property
  • piracy
  • copyright infringement
  • revenue loss
  • digital rights management (DRM)
  • streaming platforms
  • illegal downloads
  • file sharing
  • economic impact
  • ethical considerations
  • music royalties
  • legislation
  • consumer ethics
  • affordable alternatives
  • music industry sustainability
  • emerging artists
  • legitimate sources
  • pirated content
  • distribution platforms
  • technological countermeasures
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