IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

There are more new towns being built nowadays it is more important to include public parks and sports facilities than shopping centres for individual to spend their free time to .what extent do you agree or disagree?

#towns #parks #sports #facilities #centres #time
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While
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 more new cities are being built these days, there is discussion about what is more important between public facilities and shopping
centres
Use synonyms
.
People
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 are concerned about what activities they should do when they are free. In
this
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 essay, I will explain both views and my perspective
further
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. On the one hand, building more public places
such
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 as parks and sports
centres
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 more than
malls
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 can benefit some
people
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. Individuals who like outdoor activities
such
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 as trekking and jogging will be more happy and healthy as well. They will come to the towns and increase the number of
people
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 who live there.
For example
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, the new capital city of Indonesia, Ibu Kota Nusantara, which has a lot of parks and sports
centres
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, engaged plenty of
people
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 to live there when they
finish
Wrong verb form
finished
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
construction.
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 some
people
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 who like going to the
malls
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 more. They prefer walking at the
malls
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 and looking for things they could buy.
Hence
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, building more shopping
centres
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 can facilitate them to fill their free time and happiness as well.
For Instance
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, Central Park Mall, one of the
malls
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 in Jakarta, is never out of visitors. They are always very crowded from day to day.
This
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 proves that many
people
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also
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 like going to the
malls
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 more than parks. In summary, there are distinct advantages to building both facilities. But, I believe these places can bring benefits to every kind of
people
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. I suggest that there should be a balance in
building
Replace the word
buildings
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 rather
public
Correct word choice
than public
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 places or shopping
centres
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.
Submitted by dorima on

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task response
Enhance the clarity of your introduction by clearly stating your position earlier in the essay. This will help the reader to immediately understand your stance on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion restates your position explicitly and summarizes the main points made, enhancing its impact.
task response
Consider expanding on the examples provided, explaining how they support the main points in your argument, to improve relevance and specificity.
task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, discussing various benefits of parks, sports facilities, and shopping centers.
coherence and cohesion
Good logical flow between the ideas presented for both public parks and shopping centers.
task response
The use of specific examples, such as the new capital city of Indonesia and Central Park Mall, strengthens your arguments.
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