IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children learn more from playing freely after school than doing more organized after school activities . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statemant ?

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Freedom can improve
children
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's learning better rather than doing organized
activities
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 after school . In my point of view,
children
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 must be controlled with every movement until their adult years
although
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 it can increase some negative impacts. On the one hand, if
children
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 play freely what they want , they will learn faster rather than expected . Because interesting things are attractive to them and they always try to learn them
although
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 it takes a lot of time . After that , there is no need to do other
activities
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 to make them busy.
For
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this
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 reason , young teenagers should learn the free
activities
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 they want .
For example
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 , most people know that if their
children
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 have an interest in musical instruments , they can explore them without their parents'
helpless
Replace the word
helplessness
show examples
.
Therefore
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 , organizing
this
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 kind of freedom can play a crucial role in
children
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's lives.
On the other hand
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 , they are too young to choose what they want . There are numerous
activities
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 that can affect worse on their life. Because most
children
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 are addicted to harmful
activities
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 .
That is
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 why pupils must be checked by older people. It is the best way to avoid being criminals or wasting time which plays a crucial role in their entire life . Because they will be ruled by their teacher and parents.
For example
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 , pupils want to go to online game clubs with friends after school lessons . It means that they will spend two or three hours at least a day . It will create bad issues with the eyes and
also
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 it has a negative impact on the human brain . After that
children
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 will be unhealthy in their younger times.
Therefore
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 , every child should be fully booked with
activities
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 after school . In conclusion , doing free
activities
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 can improve pupils' skills and teach them how to be independent humans in life
although
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 there are many impacts which are being controlled by older people .

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps set the context and summarizes your argument effectively. However, work on improving the logical structure within the body paragraphs by ensuring each paragraph has a clear, singular focus that logically follows from the previous point.
Task Achievement
Your response covers different aspects of the topic, offering both sides of the argument. To enhance your task achievement, try to expand on your points with more detailed examples and explanations to fully develop your ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the clarity of your ideas by refining your sentence structures and ensuring that each sentence logically flows into the next. Pay attention to transitional phrases to connect your ideas more coherently.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of freedom in children's activities.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a strong introduction and a well-rounded conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
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