IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Children today spend too much time playing on screens and not enough time doing physical activity. We need to get rid of our children’s devices to avoid severe strains on our health system in the future. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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The statement raises important concerns about the balance between
screen
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time
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 and physical activity for youngsters. Some argue that the solution lies in eliminating devices to prevent future
health
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 crises.
While
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 I understand the reasoning behind
this
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 perspective, I believe that a nuanced way is necessary to address the issue effectively.
To begin
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 with, it is undeniable that excessive
screen
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time
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 can have negative impacts on children's
health
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. Studies have shown that prolonged exposure to screens is linked to obesity, poor posture, and mental
health
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 issues,
such
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 as anxiety and depression.
For instance
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, the World
Health
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 Organization recommends that children engage in at least one hour of physical activity daily, yet many fail to meet
this
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 guideline
due to
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 the attraction of screens.
Therefore
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, reducing
screen
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time
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 can help mitigate these
health
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 risks and encourage a more active lifestyle.
However
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, completely getting rid of devices is not a possible solution in our technology-driven society. Screens can provide educational benefits, offering access to a wealth of information and knowledge opportunities.
Instead
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 of a
quite
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quiet
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 ban, parents should focus on promoting responsible monitor use and setting limits on
screen
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time
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.
For example
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, kids can engage in interactive learning through educational apps and online resources. In conclusion,
while
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 I acknowledge the concerns regarding excessive
screen
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time
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 and its potential strain on our
health
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 system, I do not fully agree that we should eliminate devices altogether. A balanced lifestyle that incorporates both technology and physical activity is essential for the well-being of future generations.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, mention specific educational apps or programs that can benefit children, or provide statistics on the impact of screen time vs. physical activity.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Consider using transition phrases to link ideas and paragraphs more clearly.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
logical structure
The essay maintains a logical structure, presenting a balanced perspective while addressing the issue from multiple angles.
supported main points
The main points presented are well-supported and effectively contribute to the overall argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Screen time
  • Physical activity
  • Obesity
  • Posture
  • Vision problems
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Development
  • Social skills
  • Academic performance
  • Balance
  • Structured activities
  • Eliminating devices
  • Access to technology
  • Regulated screen time
  • Outdoor activities
  • Educational digital content
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