IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some think most crime is the result of circumstances, eg., poverty and other social problems. Other believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 present world,
crime
Use synonyms
 is on the rise, and prison departments take responsibility for the community of the country
however
Linking Words
, many people including me believe that, whoever commits a
crime
Use synonyms
 should go to prison and pay for the service of the country.
To begin
Linking Words
, a lot of wealthy criminals re-offend crimes even after they have been released
for instance
Linking Words
, they believe that, they won't be caught next time
also
Linking Words
 they think that, they will be released by paying the government. Police officers should be seen as community individuals which would help people feel responsible for their shoulders
furthermore
Linking Words
, the death penalty should be seen as a punishment because it shows
crime
Use synonyms
 is not a forgivable action.
Secondly
Linking Words
, prison isn't a bad place
for example
Linking Words
, there is special time allocated for the criminals to learn knowledge and life lessons which are useful for them later. Many criminals make friends with other prisoners, they learn new things from each other as a matter of fact, sharing their own regret for what they have done and teaching each other new jobs to do after they went out
instead
Linking Words
 of recommitting again. The government does its best for
crime
Use synonyms
however
Linking Words
, we will continue
crime
Use synonyms
 rates as high as possible.
This
Linking Words
 solution solves every
crime
Use synonyms
 because I give an explanation.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the death penalty may stop people from making mistakes but I believe it would be better if the government took control of that in that case, creating a timeline for each
crime
Use synonyms
, would solve the increase in crimes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
While the essay presents a clear position, it lacks a full exploration of the two sides mentioned in the prompt. Try to discuss both views - that crime is a result of circumstances and that crime is caused by inherent badness - in more detail before presenting your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure would benefit from a clearer logical progression of ideas. Consider organizing your paragraphs to first discuss one view, then the other, and finally provide your opinion with a concluding thought.
task response
Consider introducing more specific examples and evidence to substantiate your claims. This will help in reinforcing your arguments and improving task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, ensuring that the reader understands your stance from the beginning and how it is reinforced at the end.
task response
You express a strong personal opinion, which ties together the points discussed throughout the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: