IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Modern food and beverages have an extreme amount of sugar, which is harmful to people's health.
Therefore
Linking Words
, taxes should be imposed on these
products
Use synonyms
 in order to lower the consumption of sugar among individuals. I agree with the statement because the additional taxes added upon sugary goods'
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
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 will encourage consumers to buy less sweet
products
Use synonyms
, and it correspondingly will positively contribute to their health and well-being.
Firstly
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, nowadays producers put a tremendous amount of fructose and glucose into their
products
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. Meals and drinks contain these elements, which gradually ruin
population's
Correct article usage
the population's
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 teeth and cause problems related to skin,
for instance
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, more acne occurs on the face.
Moreover
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, it slowly evolves into an addiction, making a person a sugar addict in the long term.
Although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 various beverages
such
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 as
coke
Capitalize word
Coke
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 and Pepsi are known as relatively unhealthy drinks, society still
consume
Change the verb form
consumes
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 them because they are just used to. Additional costs added to the initial price of these commodities will definitely influence the community's decision-making. Individuals always respond to incentives, and the adjustment of the cost will lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 decrease in the demand for saccharine food. The government incorporates a similar policy towards cigarettes and alcohol,
thus
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 their consumption drops year by year.
This
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 tax will be tremendously helpful for human health, because people will have to substitute glucose and fructose that they obtained from unhealthy
products
Use synonyms
 by eating healthier food,
for instance
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, fruits and vegetables. In conclusion, the imposition of additional cost on the initial price will definitely decrease the
overall
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 consumption of saccharine commodities because human beings always respond to the provided incentives, and
consequently
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, it will increase public well-being.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the point about how modern foods have high sugar content. Providing specific examples or data could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Consider refining the transitions between paragraphs for a smoother flow. This will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, aligning with a well-formed thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, ensuring that the reader has a comprehensive understanding of your argument.
coherence cohesion
You've made solid connections between the imposition of a tax and its potential effects on consumption, drawing a parallel with taxes on cigarettes and alcohol.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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