IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that in school discipline should br the job of the teacher where as some believe it is the parents responsibility. discuss both side and give your opinion.

#people #school #discipline #br #job #teacher #believe #parents #responsibility #side
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Since the beginning of humanity, people should care for their young ones. It is their duty to teach children how to be a proper citizen. Some people might believe that teachers should be in charge of giving these responsibilities to the kids. In my opinion, educators have an important role in
this
 situation, but parents have the main part.
Firstly
, there are some
discipline
 rules in the schools that teach the students what is wrong or not. These are necessary in
according to
 achieve social peace in a community. In many countries, people under 18 years old are not accepted as adults.
Therefore
, they can't be arrested even if they commit a serious crime. For these occasions, there are detention centres that educate those criminal children.
However
, lots of educators have major responsibilities to teach the common rules to young generations.
Additionally
, teenagers spend more time with their friends than with their families. Because of that, it is fundamental that they need to spend quality time in their school with some
discipline
that is
 provided by teachers.
On the other hand
, not all kids have a chance to go to kindergarten because of poverty. Many juveniles start a school life when they become 6 or 7 years old, which means they should already have learned some
discipline
 by that time.
Therefore
, mothers and fathers have more duties compared to teachers.
Furthermore
, some adolescents might break some rules because they have some conflicts in their families that can affect those children psychologically. In conclusion, I believe that in school
discipline
 should be the job of the teacher.
However
, kids act happier, more peaceful, and more convenient when they are educated by their parents.
Submitted by bloodylady on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

General
Your essay effectively introduces the topic of disciplinary responsibilities, weighing the role of teachers versus parents, which is a good start. However, it can be improved by structuring the arguments more logically. Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly from one idea to the next and remains focused on the central theme.
Task Response
Some of your points are well-developed, but they could benefit from more compelling examples and evidence. For instance, consider detailing specific scenarios in which parental involvement directly impacts a child's discipline at school, or vice versa.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the introductory and concluding paragraphs are present, the conclusion could be strengthened. Rather than just reiterating your opinion, summarize the key points from both sides before making a final statement. This would give a more balanced closure to the essay.
Conclusion
Your conclusion does a good job of summing up your opinion and touches upon the argument of teachers versus parents. It also includes a thoughtful perspective on what leads to happier and more disciplined children.
Task Achievement
You've incorporated some relevant points about school discipline and child psychology, which enhances your argument. The mention of detention centres and the role of teachers in such settings provides a nuanced view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: