IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is better for children if the whole family including aunts, uncles and grandparents are involved in a child’s upbringing, rather than just their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people say that it is beneficial for children when their extended family, particularly aunts, uncles, and grandparents take part in
child's
Correct article usage
the child's
show examples
 upbringing, rather than mother and father. I would, personally, disagree with
this
Linking Words
 position. I do accept that relatives including
garndfathers
Correct your spelling
grandfathers
grandfather
, grandmothers, and others can contribute a lot bringing plenty of joy to their loved ones. Spending time together playing games or sharing books is a great expression of love which is essential for little boys and girls. Recent research published by the
Univercity
Correct your spelling
University
 of Cambridge has proved that playing or other activities with relatives are part and parcel of childhood as they are a strong stimulus to producing
endorphines
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endorphins
 which play a vital role
for
Change preposition
in
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a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
body
Change noun form
body's
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 development.
Consequently
Linking Words
, we cannot break
this
Linking Words
 bond between extended family members and their grandchildren, nephews or nieces.
However
Linking Words
, I take the view that nobody but mothers and fathers should introduce the core values of life to their offspring.
This
Linking Words
 is because if someone, except them, is trying to step in, it can lead to unacceptable consequences
such
Linking Words
 as the absence of discipline or
Correct article usage
an unapproptiate
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unapproptiate
Correct your spelling
inappropriate
 child's attitude regarding their nearest and dearest
resulted
Add the preposition
resulted in
resulted from
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bythe
Correct your spelling
by the
 too indulgent upbringing approaches of their grandparents. Teenagers,
for example
Linking Words
, might turn to lie or start using obscene language.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if children have more than one option associated with their behavior, they will
alway
Correct your spelling
always
 choose the most favourable one
whiich
Correct your spelling
which
 might be harmful for them
as well as
Linking Words
 for
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 I understand that we cannot deprive children of priceless time with the members of their extended family, I am convinced that relatives' influence should be stopped when it comes to upbringing and establishing rules in order to prevent negative consequences for everyone in the future.

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure clarity in the stance from the beginning and elaborate on the reasons clearly. This will help in aligning your supporting paragraphs more closely with your thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using linking words or phrases will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
language use
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy to ensure clarity and correction in language use. Minor errors can distract from your main ideas.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
relevance
You have included relevant examples, like the University of Cambridge study, to support your points, which strengthens your arguments significantly.
coherence
The essay maintains a logical structure with topic sentences highlighting the main idea for each paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • multigenerational households
  • emotional and social development
  • rounded upbringing
  • valuable life skills
  • cultural traditions
  • heritage preservation
  • broad support network
  • psychological health
  • excessive interference
  • practical support
  • child-rearing
  • deeply rooted tradition
  • cultural context
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