IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some children spend hours every day on their phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive ar negative development?

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Mobile phones have occupied an extreme amount of attention from modern kids because all of the applications and games they see and play are based on addiction principles. In my opinion,
this
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 is a tremendously negative tendency since it harmfully influences their
overall
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 well-being and does not allow them to live in the moment.
Such
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 apps as Instagram, Youtube, or TickTok contain short videos that force the human brain to produce dopamine, the hormone of pleasure, which usually occurs in times of achievement, overcoming obstacles, and obtaining something highly desired.
This
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 leads to the situation when
children
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 become hostages of their phones because from
this
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 point the only valuable source of pleasure is the mobile phone.
Therefore
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,
children
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 become addicted to it and
consequently
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 spend more and more time feeding the addiction, since they have to meet the demands of their brain which is used to consume enormous amounts of dopamine from social media and games. All in all,
this
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 trend creates a cumulative effect on
children
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's health by harming their eyes, spine, and neck. So,
this
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 is how more kids live a sedentary lifestyle which ruins their health.
Moreover
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,
this
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 is not only about physical negative dimension, but
also
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 social. These kinds of people are less prone to communicating with their families and spending high-quality time with their friends because they pay lots of attention to their gadgets and feeds.
Thus
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, in my view,
this
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 trend is mostly unhealthy and strongly negative for social interactions and health. In conclusion, modern
children
Use synonyms
 are cellphone addicts, and
that is
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 why they want to dedicate a major part of their daily time to the digital world inside their gadgets. In the long
term
Add a comma
term,
show examples
 it will negatively impact their well-being and the quality of face-to-face communication.

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task achievement
Ensure all main points are explicitly supported with examples or evidence. Consider adding statistical data or studies to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Aim for smoother transitions between your paragraphs to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and well-organized structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are thoroughly addressed and supported with a logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay effectively uses relevant and specific examples to illustrate the points discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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