IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The top priority of bussiness is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is often argued that the main responsibility of business is to generate income, and there is no need for socialization.
While
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 I agree that it is essential to acquire money as
business
Add an article
a business
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 owner, I
also
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 believe that one cannot neglect the importance of social responsibilities, owing to the fact that it can increase cooperation within an organization and
also
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 influence the environment positively. First of all,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 believe that social responsibility within
businesses
Use synonyms
 is vital because it
increase
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increases
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 employee collaboration, which promotes organizational efficiency and success.
For instance
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, activities planning
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 end of a year party or an employee birthday celebration within the team will promote togetherness and familiarity, making the workplace feel like family and will reduce unnecessary tension,
this
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 will not only promote effective teamwork but will
also
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 increase trust between workers.
Secondly
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, being socially responsible could be ethically beneficial, as it will channel the focus of
businesses
Use synonyms
 toward societal and environmental considerations. Many
businesses
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 especially industries, are the major causes of air pollution in the cities, through emission from gases and chemicals, which pauses potential harm to the population. And
this
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 can cause respiratory diseases
such
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 as Cardiopulmonary disease.
Therefore
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, social responsibility is needed to minimize
such
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 risk and advocate for better being. In conclusion, making money is paramount to trade, as it is the sole reason for the establishment of most
businesses
Use synonyms
. But, other advantages that come with social responsibilities cannot be overlooked, especially the likes of business cooperation within
organization
Correct article usage
the organization
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, and
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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environmental
Replace the word
environment
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.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the point regarding environmental impact and how businesses can fulfill their social responsibilities in this area. Providing specific examples will strengthen the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to maintain consistent capitalization, particularly at the beginning of sentences and for pronouns like 'I'.
coherence and cohesion
The essay provides a clear structure with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in understanding the main arguments.
task achievement
The essay covers both views by discussing the importance of generating income and the significance of social responsibilities, showing a balanced approach.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • top priority
  • making money
  • social responsibilities
  • businesses
  • agree
  • counter argument
  • refutation
  • importance
  • personal opinion
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