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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
University
students
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 face many challenges today. Many
students
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work
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while
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 studying.
This
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 usually leads to losing the ability to balance between the two responsibilities.
This
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 essay will examine the causes responsible for creating
this
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 situation and the solutions I can suggest.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why
students
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 choose to
work
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while
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 studying.
Firstly
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, some
students
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 want to gain experience from working before graduating.
For example
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, they
work
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 in a part-time occupation
besides
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 attending university.
Also
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, working provides life skills that education does not provide.
Secondly
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, some
students
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work
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 only to get extra funds.
For example
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, they do not have sufficient money to meet their full needs.
Moreover
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, they are compelled to
work
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 and study simultaneously.
Finally
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, some of them get to
work
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 only to follow their passion.
For instance
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, they
work
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 at something they truly enjoy. Money is not the main motivator.
Body paragraph 2
There are some solutions to help
students
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 balance
work
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 and education.
Firstly
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, universities should assist
students
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 in lessening their problems.
For example
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, they should provide
students
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 with places to live near the university.
This
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 would eliminate the need for rent.
Secondly
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, they can help
students
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 who are in need financially.
For instance
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, universities can provide needy
students
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 with financial aid.
Moreover
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,
this
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 would be beneficial to allow
students
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 to focus on studying.
Finally
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, governments need to be involved. Student loans and student grants must be made available to
students
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 in need.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are several reasons why
students
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work
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while
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 studying.
However
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, I have suggested some solutions to possibly address
this
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 dilemma.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: causes and solutions. To make your answer stronger, explain the key cause more fully: high study and living costs. Show how this lack of money leads to long work hours, less study time, and stress.
task response
Some points are close in meaning. The need for extra money and being forced to work can be put together as one clear main idea. Then use the space for a second clear cause, such as high rent or family costs.
task response
Your solutions are useful, but explain how each one works. For example, lower-cost homes near the school can cut travel and rent costs, so students may work fewer hours.
task response
Use more real, clear examples. Rather than saying that students work in a part-time job, give a short case: a student works in a shop for three nights a week to pay for food and rent.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, causes, solutions, and end. Keep this shape, but make each body part focus on two main ideas only.
coherence and cohesion
Link words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “Finally” are used well, but they are used very often. Use other simple links too, such as “because”, “as a result”, “however”, and “therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. For example, after the point about money, add: “As a result, they have less time to read, do class work, and rest.” This clearly connects the cause to the problem in the question.
coherence and cohesion
In the last body part, “they” is not always clear. Say “universities” or “governments” again when needed, so the reader can follow your meaning with ease.
task response
You deal with both the reasons students work and ways to help them. Your ideas about work experience, money, school aid, and state help are all on topic.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear purpose, and the end brings the main ideas together. The reader can follow your essay without much trouble.
task response
You include examples after many main points, which helps make your ideas easier to understand.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial necessity
  • Tuition
  • Living costs
  • Employability
  • Work experience
  • Under pressure
  • Mismanagement
  • Time-management
  • Academic pursuits
  • Flexible part-time study
  • Financial aid
  • Scholarships
  • Bursaries
  • Collaboration
  • Integrated programs
  • Education
  • Work-life balance
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