Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction

It is a well-known fact that instilling a sense of competition and teaching cooperation play a significant role in children’s lives.

However

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, whether competition and collaboration are beneficial or not has become a hotly debated issue among people from every walk of life. I firmly believe that collaboration fosters essential social skills and long-term success.

Body paragraph 1

To begin

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with, on the one hand, competition can drive students to work harder and strive for excellence.

Moreover

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, it can boost motivation, enhance problem-solving and teach resilience in the face of failure.

However

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, an overly competitive mindset may lead to stress, anxiety, and selfish behaviour.

For example

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, I was a primary school, I used to compete with my classmates for the highest grades, which sometimes made me reluctant to share my notes or help others who were struggling.

Body paragraph 2

On the other hand

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, partnership helps children develop empathy, teamwork, and communication skills, which are crucial in adulthood.

Furthermore

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, nowadays teamwork is regarded as a passport to a bright future.

Therefore

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, when these children learn to work together, they become more adaptable and effective in both professional and social settings.

For instance

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, when working in my family’s bakery, I realised that success depends on collaboration, as each team member must coordinate to ensure smooth operations and customer satisfaction.

Conclusion

In conclusion, there is a wide variety of reasons why cooperation is beneficial to children’s lives in terms of key interpersonal abilities and sustained achievement. When all these above-mentioned are taken into consideration, they make more well-rounded individuals.

gonulsimge29

Jan 31, 2025

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Task Achievement

Consider providing more balance in discussing both views, as one side seems more prominent than the other. This will help to enhance the task achievement by presenting a more rounded argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

Include a clearer transition between your points in the body paragraphs to improve the logical flow of ideas. This will help enhance the coherence and cohesion.

Task Achievement

You present your own opinion strongly and provide relevant examples, which supports your viewpoint effectively.

Coherence and Cohesion

Your essay is organized into clear paragraphs, making it easy to follow your arguments.

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8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 9.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

250 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

encourage
compete
cooperate
useful
adults
skills
motivation
drive
resilience
failure
workplace
empathy
social skills
reduce
stress
pressure
balanced
approach
ideal

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