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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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It is a well-known fact that instilling a sense of competition and teaching cooperation play a significant role in children’s lives.
However
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, whether competition and collaboration are beneficial or not has become a hotly debated issue among people from every walk of life. I firmly believe that collaboration fosters essential social skills and long-term success.
To begin
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 with, on the one hand, competition can drive students to work harder and strive for excellence.
Moreover
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, it can boost motivation, enhance problem-solving and teach resilience in the face of failure.
However
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, an overly competitive mindset may lead to stress, anxiety, and selfish behaviour.
For example
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, I was a primary school, I used to compete with my classmates for the highest grades, which sometimes made me reluctant to share my notes or help others who were struggling.
On the other hand
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, partnership helps children develop empathy, teamwork, and communication skills, which are crucial in adulthood.
Furthermore
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, nowadays teamwork is regarded as a passport to a bright future.
Therefore
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, when these children learn to work together, they become more adaptable and effective in both professional and social settings.
For instance
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, when working in my family’s bakery, I realised that success depends on collaboration, as each team member must coordinate to ensure smooth operations and customer satisfaction. In conclusion, there is a wide variety of reasons why cooperation is beneficial to children’s lives in terms of key interpersonal abilities and sustained achievement. When all these above-mentioned are taken into consideration, they make more well-rounded individuals.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing more balance in discussing both views, as one side seems more prominent than the other. This will help to enhance the task achievement by presenting a more rounded argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Include a clearer transition between your points in the body paragraphs to improve the logical flow of ideas. This will help enhance the coherence and cohesion.
Task Achievement
You present your own opinion strongly and provide relevant examples, which supports your viewpoint effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is organized into clear paragraphs, making it easy to follow your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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