IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that sucess in life depends on hard work and determination, while other believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. Discuss both views and give your opioion.

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In
this
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 competitive world, everyone wants to be successful in
life
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. Many people believe that capital and personal
qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
qualifications
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 important
while
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 others think that to succeed in
life
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, hard
work
Use synonyms
 and determination
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the best
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
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. I personally believe that in terms of becoming successful hard
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
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 and
aim
Fix the agreement mistake
aims
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 is more important than any other thing. In the upcoming paragraph, I shall discuss both aspects and later give my opinion.
To begin
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 with, if you want to be successful in
life
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, you must
do
Verb problem
make
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hard
Correct article usage
a hard
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 effort. Without hard
Use synonyms
work
Add a comma
work,
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ones
Replace the word
one
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 cannot achieve their determination.
For instance
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, a businessman cannot obtain their desired scores without a hard job, no matter how big the aim is.
In addition
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, without hard
work
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, a student should not get good results in the annual exam. Determination is
also
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 a good factor in
this
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 case, without, it you cannot find excitement.
However
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, the above argument the option to think that money and personal appearance have benefits for many conveying reasons.
Firstly
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, There are many sectors where personal qualifications are important,
such
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 as ramping and acting.
Moreover
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, money is a crucial matter to succeed in
life
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. In many cases, you are failed just because of money.
For instance
Linking Words
, if you want to be an entrepreneur, first of all, you have big amounts of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
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.So, cash and personal appearance cannot be ignored as well. In conclusion,everything in
this
Linking Words
 world has some pros and cons.
However
Linking Words
, in terms of success, hard
work
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 and dedication are more important objects than any other. If you want to be successful in
life
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 , you must do hard
work
Use synonyms
.

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coherence
Try to improve the logical flow of your ideas by using clearer transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
In your introduction, clarify your opinion more explicitly by stating it as a direct response to the prompt.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, which will strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced discussion.
coherence
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main point, which is a good practice in essay writing.
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