IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

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It is believed that professionals in science and technology are more appreciated than
artists
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 and
musicians
Use synonyms
.
This
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 essay totally disagrees with
this
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 statement. I believe that the community prefers inviting celebrities and
artists
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 rather than scientists to their gatherings and they are considered to be role models for society. Inviting
musicians
Use synonyms
 and artistic personalities is prevalent among the public. Not only do celebrities make their parties memorable and fascinating to the people, but they
also
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 can provoke certain ideas and thoughts.
Furthermore
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, their presence is often associated the prestige, attracting social attention and media.
For example
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, provided statistics by Nazarbayev University show that parties featuring them are considered 45% more memorable in Kazakhstan compared to those with the researchers. Having witnessed their media appearance and vibrant, luxury lifestyles, folk tend to emulate melody and art makers. By showing their lifestyles, the admiration of the public can be easily gained.
Moreover
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,
while
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 researchers can be barely noticed and
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encouraged
show examples
 by their openings,
artists
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 and
musicians
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 can broadcast
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 cultural heritage and values by composing melodies and creating masterpieces, inspiring society to contribute to the society and world and becoming favourites of the nation.
For instance
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, a study conducted by the Worldwide Music and Arts Association proved that the encouragement to the development of the World can be promoted by painters and singers 67% higher rather than researchers. In conclusion, even though explorers and technology experts do precious works for the sake of humanity, I reckon
musicians
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 and
artists
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 are those who are highly valued. They have the ability to entertain and boost people's moods in the gatherings,
as well as
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 express thought-provoking notions by becoming role models for the audience.

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task achievement
While the introduction clearly states your disagreement with the prompt, it could benefit from a more detailed outline of your main arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphs are generally well-structured. However, clearer topic sentences in each paragraph would enhance the logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
Some statistics and examples are used effectively, but ensuring clarity in their presentation can help reinforce your argument more strongly.
task achievement
The engagement with the topic is strong, and the clear position against the statement is affirmatively established.
task achievement
Your ability to provide relevant examples shows a good understanding of the topic and supports your arguments effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The vocabulary used is appropriate and varied, contributing to the overall quality of the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • valued
  • modern society
  • scientists
  • technology experts
  • musicians
  • artists
  • reliance
  • scientific advancements
  • practical benefits
  • driving economic growth
  • daily lives
  • culture
  • human emotions
  • express ideas
  • provoke thought
  • spiritual well-being
  • emotional well-being
  • preserving cultural heritage
  • subjective nature
  • diversity
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