IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Successful sports professional can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professionas. Some people think this is guppy justified while other think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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The average earning of a doctor in the United States of America is equivalent to 521,798 SAR, which is justified
due to
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 the fact that doctors study for 7 years, must score an extremely high GPA to even enter Healthcare, and must continue training even after college, so to a doctor their earing is acceptable, but imagine seeing
Add the comma(s)
, for instance,
show examples
for instance
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 a
football
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player
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 making millions, is
this
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 unfair or justified?
this
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 is the question I will be answering in
this
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 essay. One of the many sports that are highly known worldwide is
Football
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also
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 known as "soccer", millions if not billions of
people
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 watch
football
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, and many play the sport, is it hard to be a
football
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player
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? well a large sum of
people
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 assume that it is, but
that is
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 incorrect, as you must be precise, have a quick eye, you must be
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
 to playing, and most importantly
you
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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must have raw talent, even when
football
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 players enter the field, they know the risks of playing,
for
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example
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example,
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 the former
Barcalona
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Barcelona
player
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 and current Al-Hilal
player
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 Neymar Jr got many ACL injuries,
due to
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 that he cannot play as good as he could before. Because of the
amount
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number
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 of
people
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 who play professional sports, there is a low chance
to be
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of being
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 a successful athlete, and
thats
Correct your spelling
that's
 why
i
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I
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 firmly believe that their earnings are justified, and successful
athletes
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 can attract large audiences, generate advertising revenues, and contribute to local economies,
for
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instance
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instance,
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 the one and only Cristiano Ronaldo, his past is quite sad as he grew up poor eating from trash cans, and
due to
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 that he always contributes to those in need, he has helped families pay medical bills, donated to conservation efforts, and sent aid to victims of natural disasters,
infact
Correct your spelling
in fact
 Ronaldo doesn't have tattoos
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 he donates his blood every month,
that is
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 why I firmly believe that he deserves the
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
 he has. Do
i
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I
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 agree with the amount of money
athletes
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 get? not quite, in my perspective there are some that do deserve it, but the wage gap in difference to important jobs like doctors, teachers and scientists who have a more lasting and vital impact on the future is appalling, as some
football
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 players earn 130 million SAR monthly, in
comparsion
Correct your spelling
comparison
 to teachers who earn at most 20 thousand SAR,
this
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 is what I call unfair, but at the same time
athletes
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 aren't to blame, considering that the public is willing to pay for sports entertainment
instead
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 of contributing to helping the jobs that have a bigger impact,
then
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 those same
people
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 say its "unfair". To solve
this
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, I believe that
athletes
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 do deserve what they earn, they do work hard to be successful just like any other job and
its
Correct your spelling
it is
show examples
 justified considering the market demand and revenue generation, but
its
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it is
show examples
also
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 crucial to recognize and perhaps rectify the wage gaps in other essential professions.

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task achievement
While the introduction offers a clear question, a thesis statement that directly outlines your position could improve clarity. Consider restructuring the introduction to state your opinion more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
There are some issues with sentence structure and clarity, especially in the second paragraph. Ensuring that each sentence flows logically to the next will enhance coherence. Consider using transition words to connect ideas better.
task achievement
In your discussion of examples, particularly about Cristiano Ronaldo, ensure that the connection between the example and the argument is explicit. Briefly summarizing how each example relates back to your main argument will strengthen your points.
task achievement
You provide a well-rounded discussion of both perspectives, demonstrating an understanding of the complexities of the issue. The use of examples, particularly regarding Cristiano Ronaldo, adds depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion aptly summarizes your viewpoint and addresses the broader implications of wage disparities, showing thoughtful consideration of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • disparity
  • earnings
  • justified
  • unfair
  • successful
  • professionals
  • economic impact
  • entertainment
  • audiences
  • advertising revenues
  • contribution
  • society
  • disproportionate
  • critical professions
  • quality of life
  • societal values
  • priorities
  • balance
  • market demand
  • rectify
  • wage gaps
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