IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many government spend a lot of money on art.Some people think this investment in art in necesssary,but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Many citizens presume it is necessary that the
goverment
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government
 invests a large sum of money into art,
while
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on the other
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hand
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hand,
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 some assume that they should put the money
instead
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 into improving the health and education system
due to
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 the fact
its
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it is
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 more "beneficial", in
this
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 essay we will converse about both of these views with expressing my perspective. The
proponets
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proponents
proponent
 who think artistry is necessary
have
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to have
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 a point, as it is a fundamental part of culture and society, in the same
way
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way,
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 that financing
in
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apply
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crafts can stimulate the economy by creating jobs in the arts sector and attracting tourism to cultural events and institutions, like we see in Paris, many of the tourists visit the famous Louvre Museum by reason of the fact that it contains a massive amount of famous artworks made by known artists
such
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 as De Vinci, who created the popular Mona Lisa painting,
infact
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in fact
 9 million people visit the museum yearly, which is one of the main reasons Paris is considered as a global tourist destination. Many people who suffer
with
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from
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 mental illnesses
such
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 as Anxiety love to draw since it has therapeutic benefits and mental health support, considering they can pour their feelings out in the drawing, as it
also
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 contributes to the
overall
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wellbeing
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well-being
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 of the community. Some of the most crucial factors that
humas
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humans
 need in their lives
is
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are
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 health and education, healthcare is considered
as
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apply
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one of the hardest majors in the world
,
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apply
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 because it takes 7 years to study in college
then
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 you must train to become an
offical
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official
 doctor, and it requires teaching with scoring a high
precentage
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percentage
 in high school
then
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 getting at least 3.5 out of 5 to get a good position of employment, these two elements are essential services that directly impact the quality of life for individuals, and money spent in these areas can lead to more immediate benefits for society. Now after analyzing both of these arguments, we can see that there exists a symbiotic relationship between art, medicine, and learning, where investment in one area can enhance the others, indicating the need for a balanced approach.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing some sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy, for instance, 'the government invests a large sum of money into art' can be rephrased as 'the government should invest a significant amount in the arts'.
task achievement
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing both viewpoints more distinctly and reinforcing your own opinion more clearly.
task achievement
You have provided a substantial discussion of both viewpoints, which is essential for addressing the task effectively.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the Louvre Museum, demonstrates your ability to support your points with relevant information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • investment
  • cultural heritage
  • foster
  • community engagement
  • social cohesion
  • stimulate the economy
  • attract tourism
  • therapeutic benefits
  • mental health
  • quality of life
  • public services
  • healthcare costs
  • educational needs
  • symbiotic relationship
  • balanced approach
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