IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

More and more men are taking maternity leave to look after their newborn children. Why do you think this is happening? Is it a positive or negative development?

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In today's era, taking
paternity
Use synonyms
 leave for
men
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 has become a common thing in society.
This
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 is a positive phenomenon because
men
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 these days recognize their important roles in the household and want to participate more in taking
care
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 of
children
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 and their partners. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons and give my opinion on
this
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 matter.
To begin
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 with, maternity leave is not only for
women
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 but
also
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 for
men
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. After giving birth,
women
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 will enter the postpartum period and need to take
time
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 for recovery. In
this
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 situation,
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
women
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 are having adversity in taking
care
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 of themselves and even their newborn
children
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. Not a few
women
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 tend to have distress which leads to baby-blues syndrome, and it affects the
women
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's and
children
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's well-being.. The role of
men
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 is crucial in supporting both their
partner
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 and
children
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 during
this
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 situation.
Men
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 provide essential physical and emotional
support
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 that can help create a balanced and nurturing environment for the family.
Moreover
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, the presence of
men
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 in the household can substitute for childcare
while
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 their
partner
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 takes her
time
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 to full recovery, so their
partner
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 does not have burn-out and stress at the same
time
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 that can lead to severe conditions. Another reason is many countries have introduced
paternity
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 leave policies and made it mandatory for
men
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 to take
time
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 off for their family matters. It is accompanied by companies that
support
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 these policies and allow their male workers to be off from work and focus on their families and newborn
children
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.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, there are already
paternity
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 leave regulations for
men
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 to take
care
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 of their family after their
partner
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 gives birth.
This
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 policy exists to
support
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 the importance of
men
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's roles in household and childcare in a crucial postpartum period and to diminish the rate of high baby blues syndrome in
women
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 after giving birth.
As a result
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, the number of baby blues syndrome in
women
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 went down rapidly and affects the
women
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's and
children
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's well-being.
To conclude
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,
men
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 taking
paternity
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 leave to take
care
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 of their partners and newborn
children
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 is crucial during
postpartum
Add an article
the postpartum
show examples
 period.
Men
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's role is needed in providing physical and emotional
support
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 for their families.

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task response
While you provided a clear opinion on the topic and addressed the main points, your essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the positive impacts of men taking paternity leave on both families and society as a whole. Adding a counterargument or discussing the potential challenges could also create a more comprehensive response.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs flow more smoothly. For instance, using linking words such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could help connect your ideas better. Some sentences were slightly repetitive and could be rephrased or combined for clarity.
task response
Your introduction clearly outlines your stance on the topic, providing a solid foundation for your essay.
task response
You used specific examples, such as Indonesia's paternity leave regulations, which strengthened your arguments and made them more relatable.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • paternity leave
  • gender roles
  • work-life balance
  • bonding
  • employment policies
  • primary breadwinner
  • postpartum period
  • supportive partner
  • childcare
  • household duties
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