IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or a negative delvelopment ?

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Nowadays, most
children
Use synonyms
 are exposed to phones and tablets on a daily basis and
this
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 is mainly attributed to the parent's unavailability and reduced outdoor activities. I believe
this
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 phenomenon has negative implications for
children
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's development and health. Smartphones are given to young
children
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 as a distraction tool when the parents are busy with chores or in public places to reduce the child's activity and disruption.
For example
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, It is common to see a child on an aeroplane who is watching a movie for the whole duration of a flight (3 hours or more) which is against medical advice.
Additionally
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, fewer
children
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 are allowed to play outside as neighbourhoods and streets have become less safe in the
last
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 few decades for
children
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due to
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 the increased rate of crimes committed against minors (
Such
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 as kidnapping and sexual abuse), leading most parents to substitute outdoor activities with watching videos and movies on an electronic device. Prolonged exposure to screens and electronics is harmful to people of all ages, especially to developing youngsters. Medical experts reported that Infants and toddlers below the age of two years should have zero screen time to allow the brain to develop. For offspring above two years, they are permitted a limited screen time that increases as they get older.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 who spend long hours on social networks and online games, lack social skills
such
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 as speaking in public and forming new friendships.
Thus
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, I believe prolonged screen time is harmful to young people , especially to their mental and social growth. In conclusion,
children
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 tend to spend long hours every day on technological devices because some parents want to calm the child or drain his energy. Unfortunately,
this
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 trend has negative implications for young minds and their development.

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Task Achievement
While your introduction is clear and sets up the essay well, it could be more engaging by adding a hook. Consider framing the issue in a way that connects with the reader's own experiences.
Task Achievement
You provide relevant examples, but they could be better integrated into your argument. Make sure to link your examples directly back to the points you are making in your paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your ideas flow logically, and you have a clear structure. However, more varied linking words could improve cohesion. Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect your points more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
A few minor grammatical errors detract from the overall professionalism of the essay. Paying attention to sentence structure and tense consistency could enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and stays focused on the topic throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your points and reiterates your stance clearly.
Task Achievement
You include relevant examples that support your arguments, particularly regarding the negative impacts of prolonged screen time.
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