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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend?

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In current society, younger generations have been having a trajectory of using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for hours every day. In my own point of view, I believe that
although
Linking Words
smartphones
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 bring a lot of benefits,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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also
Linking Words
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 with detrimental outcomes for
children
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. One of the main factors contributing to
this
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 phenomenon is the convenience it brings, especially in education. Most educational systems are introducing an innovation of technology into learning by assigning them homework and lectures online and by requiring them to research online.
As a result
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,
smartphones
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 gained its
populus
Correct your spelling
populous
 as it is considered one of the most accessible and convenient
tool
Change to a plural noun
tools
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 for
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 recent changes.
Additionally
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, phones are
also
Linking Words
 frequently used as a form of entertainment. After a long day of studying, most teenagers are burnt out and seek pleasure as a reward, and that’s when
phone
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the phone
a phone
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 comes in. With just a few scrolling and clicks, you are able to play video games, watch reels from
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
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 and binge-watch a TV show which stimulates them and produces the dopamine they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
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.
However
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,
content
Correct article usage
the content
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children
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 consume nowadays is extremely overstimulating.
For instance
Linking Words
, platforms like
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
 and Youtube Shorts often offer videos that consumers aren’t interested in before granting them the content they normally watch.
This
Linking Words
 simple algorithm is the main
contribution
Replace the word
contributor
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of
Change preposition
to
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 smartphone addiction
in
Change preposition
at
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 younger ages
due to
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 how
low
Correct word choice
little
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 effort it
is
Verb problem
takes
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 for consumers to feel a rush of dopamine. Not only that
,
Add the word(s)
, but
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some of the contents
also
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 involved spreading false perceptions which
influences
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influence
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 the way
children
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 react to different scenarios and their
behavior
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behaviour
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 towards other people.
This
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 affects them mentally and
make
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makes
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 every social interaction awkward, which can lead to more severe problems. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
smartphones
Use synonyms
 provide a platform for students to learn and a place where they can release stress, many
children
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 overlook its drawbacks, leading to a progressive trend of hours spent on
phone
Add an article
the phone
show examples
.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to address both parts of the question more evenly—while you discuss reasons for smartphone usage in detail, the evaluation of whether it is a positive or negative trend could be more explicitly defined throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next; consider using more linking words and phrases to improve the transition between ideas.
Task Achievement
Provide a broader range of examples to support your ideas, especially in the conclusion where you summarize the implications of these points.
Task Achievement
The essay has a clear stance and presents a well-structured argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction effectively outlines the main ideas that will be discussed, providing a roadmap for the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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