IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

While mobile phones have many advantages, a number of problems have also resulted from them or the ways in which they are used. What are some of these problems? What solutions can you suggest for solving these problems?

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There is no doubt that everyone nowadays has a mobile phone to use for many purposes. Using
phones
Use synonyms
 is an important issue to be discussed. It is essential to admit that cell
phones
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 have several benefits in various aspects. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss numerous problems that become a result of using smartphones. No one can deny that, recently, using technology for different needs in their personal life is important,
for example
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, they
exercising
Wrong verb form
exercise
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 it for fun, searching, studying, chatting and working.
Nevertheless
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, we should pay attention to the problems and drawbacks that
phones
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 bring to our lives. First of all, if people spend a lot of
hour
Change to a plural noun
hours
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 using it, it will harm the eyes and
next
Correct article usage
the next
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over
Change preposition
apply
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generation damage the version.
In addition
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, it will keep them away from their work and even from their family.
For instance
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, playing computer games lost a lot of time and later it became addictive.
Moreover
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, it makes people dependent and
unresponsible
Correct your spelling
irresponsible
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. A good interpretation of
this
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 is because the users tend to
handling
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handle
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phones
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 for different things and they don’t service their brains. Perhaps the best way to deal with all of these problems is to try to do useful activities in our free time. A good instance of
that is
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 practising hobbies like reading books and swimming.
besides
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 that, we can control the day of using
phones
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 for limited hours per day. In conclusion, it seems to me that telephones are a double-edged sword, so we need to know when and how to utilize them.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates directly to your overall argument. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
Task Response
Include more specific examples and explanations to support your points. This will help strengthen your argument and make your ideas clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to clarify your phrases and avoid grammatical inaccuracies, which can cause misunderstandings. For instance, rephrase ambiguous sentences for better understanding.
Task Achievement
Your introduction sets the context well and indicates that you will discuss the problems associated with mobile phone use.
Task Achievement
You presented some valid points regarding the issues that arise from excessive phone use, showing clear engagement with the topic.
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