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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table gives information about student enrolments at Bristol University in 1928,1958 and 2008

The table gives information about student enrolments at Bristol University in 1928,1958 and 2008
The table describes those who joined Bristo Universities to study in 1928,1958 and 2007. Through giving information about the numbers of new individuals and the percentage of the male and female.
In addition
Linking Words
 to where they attended from.
Overall
Linking Words
, there was an obvious increase in the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of new
students
Use synonyms
 ,
besides
Linking Words
 a rise in the proportion of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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overseas
students
Use synonyms
 In terms of 1928, there were 218 new educated. 42% of them were female,
whereas
Linking Words
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 accounted
58
Change preposition
for 58
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%. Half of those
students
Use synonyms
 came from within 30 miles of Bristol.
While
Linking Words
 the overseas individuals represented merely 5% from 3 countries.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , In 1958, the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of new
students
Use synonyms
 jumped to 1046. Most of them were males, and
14%of
Correct your spelling
14 of
 them were female.And the overseas were 6% from 27 different nations.
Finally
Linking Words
 , in 2008, there
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 a dramatic ascend in the figures of new
trainee
Fix the agreement mistake
trainees
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 by 6377.There was an almost equal proportion of both genders.
In addition
Linking Words
 to the fact that 28% of them came from 98 countries.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in addition".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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