IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that art, such as painting and music, does not improve people’s lives, so the government should not spend money on it. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

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It is often argued that employees, efficiency and accuracy should be more important for employers than their appearance. I partially agree with
this
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 statement and believe that
while
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 in some
jobs
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 a qualified outcome could be the ultimate goal for employers, there are other occupations where unsuitable dressing can underestimate the
overall
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 results. On the one hand, the expectation of wearing formally and smartly in informal manufacturing
jobs
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 is unnecessary. The contamination and tearing of clothes in some
jobs
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 is inevitable and forcing
workers
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 to attend to the workplace with tidy clothes every day demands permanently washing them or buying new ones. Salient examples of
this
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 are construction
workers
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, mine labourers or farmers, who have to
work
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 in untidy or polluted circumstances, making observing these criteria impossible.
That is
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 why in some
jobs
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 the quality of
work
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 should be the main aim,
otherwise
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, redundant compulsion will lead to environmental damage.
On the other hand
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,
however
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, socially demanding
jobs
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 where socializing with tremendous clients is an integral part of the job necessitate dressing up properly.
In other words
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,
workers
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' improper dressing can negatively impact the quality of
work
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. A waiter's dirty clothes,
for instance
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, might make clients pessimist about the excellence of served food and services despite the presence of a qualified chef. Another example of
this
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 is compelling bank clerks to wear suits because their
work
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 involves commuting with investors and other businessmen. Admittedly, having supervision on
workers
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' clothing may be tediously challenging.
Nonetheless
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, those influences highlight the importance of enacting strict rules regarding the employees' appearance, ensuring the sustainability and prosperity of businesses. In conclusion, though the nature of some
jobs
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 obviates the essence of being controlled by the manager in terms of closing, in other
jobs
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this
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 issue should be supervised comprehensively because any negligence could cost businesses their reputation and loss of customers.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing a more elaborated introduction that clearly outlines your main argument and reasons. This will improve clarity and set the stage for your discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to use transition words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs and within each paragraph. This will enhance the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples or elaborations on your points to strengthen your arguments. This will provide a clearer understanding of your perspective and reinforce your main points.
General Observation
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic, addressing both sides of the argument, which shows critical thinking.
General Observation
The use of real-world examples, such as construction workers and bank clerks, adds a practical dimension to your argument, enhancing the overall persuasiveness of your essay.
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