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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the internet has brought people closer together, while others think that people and communities are become more isolated. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that by using the
internet
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people
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 become closer. It is undeniable that the
internet
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 has become an essential part of
communication
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, but there is absolute agreement on the most effective way to maintain
communication
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. Some believe that using the
internet
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 can bring
people
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 closer together,
while
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 others argue that it harms
Change noun form
people
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people
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's and communities in real
life
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. A commonly held belief is that the
internet
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 has access to the world so that
people
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 can keep talking over long distances. As evidence of
this
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, they point to the
internet
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 opens a new version of
communication
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, with the help individuals can talk with relatives, parents and friends which makes them closer to each other.
Furthermore
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, the
internet
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 assists humans have a new network with
people
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 and
also
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, discussing their opinions and giving experiences to each other so that
people
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 become friendly. It could be explained by the fact that these opportunities create a new community and network, and
as a result
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, they lead to the
internet
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people
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 could not maintain
communication
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.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 claim that using the
internet
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like
Change preposition
as
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 a new format of community is detrimental in real
life
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.
For example
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, they may mention that talking with
people
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 in real
life
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 will be painful for
people
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, but individuals
could not
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cannot
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 remember
communication
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due to
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 the
internet
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.
In addition
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, it impacts their
life
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 because they depend on the
internet
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 which
internet
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 become a more comfortable place for
communication
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 than talking in real
life
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.The explanation lies in the fact that it influences mental health.
Therefore
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, they argue, that using the
internet
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 has drawbacks effect for
people
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 and the community can disappear. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account, I would argue that the
internet
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 connects
people
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 with
communication
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 and is beneficial for the population, but sometimes often using the
internet
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 can be detrimental to
people
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's lives.

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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear overview of the topic but could use more clarity in your thesis statement, which should clearly indicate your opinion and the direction of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to reduce repetitiveness in your language; for example, phrases like 'using the internet' and 'communication' could be varied to make the writing more engaging.
task achievement
Your points need to be more clearly articulated and supported with specific examples. For instance, when discussing how the internet brings people closer, you could include examples of specific platforms that facilitate these connections.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The use of transitional phrases such as 'on the other hand' shows an understanding of how to structure contrasting ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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